Who Says Soccer Is Boring?

I do. Everyone does. But hey, this story deserves some mention. That’s some wild and wacky stuff right thurr.

The New England Revolution, my local MLS team (apparently), had a very interesting flight today. En route to some stupid place to continue competition in Super Liga 2008, some shit where they suspend the MLS season for the top US clubs to battle Mexico’s finest, the Revolution, as well as the rest of the passengers (it’s fucking soccer, they don’t have their own plane, ok?) were forced to make an emergency landing in Oklahoma City.

The reason? A man, name not released and reportedly 22 years of age, decided halfway through the flight it would be fun to go to the bathroom, take all his clothes off, and come out.

“I was the first to notice him. I turned to Craig Tornberg, our general manager, and said LOOK AT THE COCK ON THAT ONE!” director Mike Burns said.

The man was talked into returning to the bathroom and putting his clothes on without physical confrontation, but after returning to his seat attempted to open the emergency door shortly therafter. This didn’t go over so well.

“Airplane? Open door? Nah. Fuck that shit.” Commented goalkeeper coach Gwynne Williams.

The rest of the team seemed to agree. The man in question was subdued and bound with tie wraps after his failed attempt to open the door.

“I don’t know if he was drinking, on pills or whatever, but dude’s got a fuckin screw loose. I mean, you don’t take your clothes off and run around on an airplane. You do that at Denny’s.” said a passenger who requested their name not be released. His name is Ian Stevens, go kick his ass.

The FBI and local officials were waiting for the questionable character in Oklahoma City. No reports have been released on what repercussions he will face, but in todays world, one would assume the penalties will be severe. If you’re going to fuck around, an airplane is pretty much the last place you want to do it in this country. People get pissed.

“FRANK AND BEANS” was the only decipherable quote uttered by the instigator.

.... She Couldn't Have

Ok, this one will be a little different than the usual theme here, so bear with me readers. Who am I kidding, reader. Nah, actually I have a few. I would even run out of fingers counting them.

I was watching that Wimbeldon Final yesterday, or South African Cricket match, whatever the hell it was. Jesus. With the delays I think it took close to eight hours. Stay tuned, coming up after this, the ABV... APV.. AV... the beach volley ball league thing Colorado tournament.

"Is it guys?"

"No, it's girls"

"Oh, ok, sweet"

Hell. I'm dicking around on the laptop, the tv is background for me. Might as well leave chicks in bikinis on. Team one is Misty May and her partner..... hold on Googling... Kerri Walsh. There ya go. They're actually dominant in their sport, it's just very few people give a fuck. Team two is.... alright, really. I'm not Googling that, nobody cares. The darker of the two on the team had some nice features. Shut the fuck up, how is that racist?

Camera starts behind May and Walsh. Nice. Those uniforms walking forward in slo-mo look great from behind. Facial and frontal features? .... Egh. Not so great. Anyway, I'm wasting your time, heres the point of this post.

Misty May is being quickly interviewed after the first set and asked about why they struggled so much to capture the match point. Or something like that. She was asked about having difficulty with something.

Don't have Tivo. But I was for a moment paying attention when this happened, and I'm 99% sure Misty May's response was...... wait for it....

"I don't know, we just got back from overseas and I think the ball hangs up there a little longer here".

Yup.

Somebody who rips and clips off their Tivo and posts on YouTube, first of all, naughty naughty, second of all, find this and put it up. I need this verified. That's a once in a lifetime line.

No, No, They're Yelling "Luuuuuuuuuuug"

Most people wouldn't consider having more errors than RBI's at the halfway point of the season a good thing. In fact, Julio Lugo and Theo Epstein are probably the only two that would.

That is the case for RedSox shortstop (or shortstopsnothing, HAI FIVE) Julio Lugo.

"What the fuck do you want from me? I stink. I never said I didn't." was Lugo's most recent reaction to comments from the crowd and media about his performance.

Lugo was brought to Boston for his offense, a move that nobody could understand when it was made. To say that we as spectators still don't understand it would be an understatement.

"Well, he's got about as much range as a three toed sloth, and about as much power as a Happy Meal wind-up toy. But hey, his average isn't bad, and he can steal some bases." General Manager Theo Epstein said in, uh, defense.

Granted, Lugo's batting average is .274, not bad. However, what this stat omits is the only thing he can hit is a single, even with his speed that can stretch decently hit balls into extra bases. Lugo's slugging percentage is a pathetic .347.

At the halfway point in the season, Lugo has one more home run than I do. He has 18 RBI's, with 19 errors. He is on a pace to record 38 botched plays at shortstop, and that's only the ones that are official.

Lugo recorded 22 errors in 2001, 20 in 2003, 25 in 2004 and 24 in 2005. This is not an off year, this is Julio Lugo.

Though the chances of Lugo being traded away before the deadline this year are essentially zero, look for him to be moved at the end of the season.

"Pittsburgh has a nice milkcrate with brooms mounted to the sides of it. They even put a paper plate with a smiley face on the top, it looks pretty cool. That's probably where we're leaning in the offseason" Epstein commented.

Further comments on the situation could not be extracted from Epstein, as he feels leaking further information on the intent to trade Lugo would lower his trade value.

"What mothafuckin trade value?" Lugo responded, because he was there at the press conference. Which, by the way, totally happened.

Celtics Win Title, Ric Flair Enraged

Oh it's true. It's damn true. Phil Jackson and his Zen Buddhist bullshit were no match for the green guys last night. The Celtics clubbed the Lakers like a seal off the coast of Russia.

"Tell the white chicks in LA to watch their back, Kobe is going to be looking for a non-consentual grudge fuck" Celtics coach Doc Rivers commented after the game.

"Jack Nicholson can add two things to his Bucket List now, sit down and shut up. Mmm hmm, even if Mars Attacks you'll still be seeing us taking out his beloved Lakers on ESPN all day. The Lakers could have used A Few Good Men last night. They should change their name to The Departed. Also, Chinatown." Paul Pierce said with a smile.

"MAAAAAAAH" Lakers douchebag Pau Gasol said after the game, probably because he's a llama. Fuckin look at him. Google Images a llama, then Pau Gasol.

"They played too rough. I think I got a splinter in my vagina" Sasha Vujacic said in the locker room after the game. Immediately after, he went flying across the locker room and landed in a heap because a reporter walking by brushed up against him.

"MOTHER SHITTER! Now I got to come out of retirement, being the sixteen time World Champion just doesn't sound impressive anymore" wrestling legend Ric Flair said while looking for something resembling a turnbuckle to throw himself off of.

The Celtics victory parade will have no scheduled stop points, it's just going to roll on through parts of the city. If you want the route, go check out their website, what am I, a fuckin tour guide?

You Know What That Stuff Does To Ya? Huh?

As I and everyone else with a brain predicted, the hilarity of Roger Clemens being humiliated in the media is not over.

The latest chapter? Roger used Viagra for "on field performance". Other than knowing it's funny, what does that mean? I consulted the source in an interview I totally didn't make up.

SHT: Roger, thanks for coming to this place we are both at and about to have a conversation in.

Rogaaah: No problem. I'm a big fan of your blog nobody reads with a title you stole from a web browser game.

SHT: So, simple question. Viagra. Why?

Rogaaah: I think it's pretty obvious. You can throw inside on hitters more, you can even hit them more. They look down and see that shit all rock hard and they're not going to charge the mound. Ever.

SHT: ..... oh. That's kinda funny and probably the best joke I can put in this interview because it is completely legit.

Rogaaah: Except for Piazza, it wouldn't stop him, if you catch my drift. That's why I had to hit him in the head, I'm not one of them queerosexuals.

SHT: That one was slightly better than the last one. Kthxbai!

Rogaaah: Lol k bai

The end result of this story will be an extention of the attack on Roger's character, nothing more. It's funny, but it's not criminal.

Reach Out And Punch Face

Something must have been in the water at Fenway Park last night. The battle between the top two teams of the AL East dissolved back into what Boston/Tampa Bay baseball is supposed to be. The RedSox kicked their ass on the scoreboard, and the two teams beat the shit out of each other. Very nostalgic.

Coco Crisp was stonewalled sliding face first into second base two nights ago by shortstop Jason Bartlett's leg in front of the bag. Crisp showed his sincere appreciation later in the game in a takeout slide at second that he sold the fuck out of. Cleats pointing up at a 45 degree angle, complete body sliding past the bag, the whole thing. It was like when Stone Cold gave The Rock a stunner and Rocky flipped on his head across the ring. Simply doing it was not acceptable, it had to be over the top.

"I think I popped his sack, they were pissed. I knew I was going to get hit the next game." Crisp said.

"Then first at bat fuckin milk toast hits me with a pitch, I start to first to make the catcher fuck off, then next thing you know I'm at the mound duckin that weak shit he was bringing" he continued.

A punch that Crisp was lucky to duck, or he'd be having reconstructive surgery on his eye socket right now. That punch was coming in hard, he would have been down.

"Fuckin might as well have been hit by that, I got mugged by 25 other mother fuckers anyway. Crawford pounding on my head, I haven't been at the bottom of a pile of that many guys since that night when............ nothing." were Crisp's final awkward comments on the matter.

"I was about to approach those rapscallions and challenge them to a bout of fisticuffs" teammate J.D. Drew stated on the issue.

"I have evaded the temptation of shaving for a couple of days to show my fellow batters and hurlers that I have lightened up a little." Drew continued while searching in his locker for some Dapper Dan.

Manny Ramierez and Kevin Youkilis had a brief scuffle in the clubhouse as well, Manny needing to be restrained. Surely Kevin said something that made Manny mad awfully fast.

"Nah man, I saw Coco and Crawford and all those guys during that brawl and thought it was part of the game. I was like, ok, we're punching each other today." Manny said about the issue.

Though entertaining, this wasn't a good time for the RedSox to start a riot. With Ortiz possibly out for the rest of the reason and Manny settling into a DH slot he loves, the outfield cannot afford a Coco Crisp suspension (which is coming).

Even worse, Native American superhero Jacoby Ellsbury landed on his wrist in a bad way last night, with early moles leaking to the media he has left his full examination in a full cast. The extent of the injury is unknown, this paragraph will have an update when the official word comes out (not that anyone's fucking reading this anyway) Teh Updatez : It's all good. He'll miss a couple days, but it's a strain at the worst.

ESPN Breaking News : Punching Yourself in the Balls Hurts

ESPN, a once respected company that is now a caricature of itself, has really taken it to a new level this afternoon. ESPN News announces Joey Porter talking about the Patriots not only as a story relevant enough to report, but BREAKING NEWS.

"Hibbidy hibbidy blah blah blah, I dun need mah two rings. Why nobody like me?" Porter said.

Porter referred to the penalties placed on the Patriots as a $500,000 fine (WRONG), and nothing else. Apparantly the draft pick wasn't significant. But I digress. He went on to talk about how the Patriots cheated him out of Super Bowls.

"They stole our secret field goal signal, that's how they blocked it." Porter continued.

"That punt return for a touchdown by Troy Brown? They stole our punt coverage signal. You know, the one that told us to tackle the guy with the ball. They had that shit so they told Troy, and so he was all like, now I know they're going to try to tackle me, I have a huge advantage now! I was just going to stand there and watch the ball hit me in the fucking face."

"Anyway, those 14 points they got directly off special teams are proof that they used our offensive signals against us. Yup. They should lose dem Super Bowls. They need an asterisk next to all their seasons. Give's me dat ring, mofo biatch."

ESPN News went so far as to actually have Patriot Wes Welker on to respond to Porter's comments.

"They should have an asterisk next to your last season too, because you should have been 0-16, you God damn stiff. The last big hit you recorded was off a fucking crack pipe." Welker responded.

"Honestly, why the fuck am I here? Do you really have nothing better to do? Are you so irrelevant and inept at uncovering any stories in sports that you still have to keep going on this? For fucks sake, make a show called Female Yoga in Spandex. Run it four hours a day. Your ratings will be through the roof. I'm jerking off right now thinking about it."

"And what the fuck is with Stuart Scott? One of his eyes looks at the camera, the other one is looking at a snack machine in the hallway. He's an irritating little dweeb with a lazy eye, so you say, 'lets put him in front of a camera'. That's brilliant."

The interview ended shortly thereafter for ESPN News to jump over to another breaking news story they uncovered, the headline reading "BREAKING NEWS: Hockey goalies wear pads because slapshots hurt".

RedSox to Fans : "Shut Up and Guzzle Your Watered Down Budweiser"

Oh, it's true. As they have done many times over previous years, the RedSox opened the doors at Fenway tonight for a game they were well aware was never going to be played.

Why? Simple. RedSox fans show up. You can hold them captive in an area they have nothing better to do than buy hotdogs and $7.50 beers in a fraudulent rain delay for three hours, then send them off to be somebody elses problem.

"Oh, the sucking fans dry for money thing. Let me guess, you have some joke about me being a Jew lined up just for this occasion" General Manager Theo Epstein said.

"What? You guys are stupid. We jack up the ticket prices every year, you still show up. We put Julio Lugo at shortstop, you show up. We have Eric Gagne pitch, you don't run out of the park screaming in horror. Why stop now?" Principal owner John Henry commented on the situation.

Henry continued without being provoked.

"We knew we weren't playing tonight. We knew the past 20 rainouts we weren't playing. But we tell you we will. Then we throw the tarp down, and you all go 'well what should we do?' then we make a killing on the beer stations, the Coke stations, and selling you Fenway Franks and giant pretzels,. It's a God damn business. We're here to make money."

"What do you think pays for Manny's locker full of blunt wraps and beef jerky? You dweebs do. Show of hands, who here has a left fielder that high fives people in the crowd while an inning is still active and there are baserunners. Anyone else? No? Ok. And hell, daddy has to buy his multi-million dollar mansions to rip down and build new houses on because he likes the area." (Editor's Note: The "house part" of this.... he actually did that. Well, the Manny high fiving a fan during an inning, that happened too actually.)

Though it is use of shady tactics, nobody can argue the success. The seats get packed, and they buy shit because they're bored. Frustrating, absolutely. Smart? Probably.

"I'm so upset. The Brewers were here, I had seats right behind the opposing bullpen, and Gagne would be right in my sights. It was hard enough sneaking this Uzi in once, now I got to do it again? Fuck, man." RedSox fan and garbage can scrubber Joey B. O'Doughnuts commented about the evening.

"I wanted to cheer for Gabe-y! Kapler's back, and he's so hot! Six foot something, 188 pounds, and his cock could probably blend in at the Kentucky Derby!" Pink hat wearing Suzie Smith said in outrage, a passionate fan of the RedSox since Game 4 of the 2004 World Series.

The RedSox have not announced a replay date for the game, or if they did I don't care enough to look. Actually, they probably did, but that could take.... minutes. Go look and tell me.

A double header in the next two days is likely.

Arlen Specter is Embarrassing

As a brief break from the "HAY U GUISE I'M A REPORTER LOL" format I've been going with , this one has to come from the heart. I just heard Arlen Specter just wheeze on himself and contradict every previous sentence he said for about a half hour, and Jesus H. Christ.

Lets start by pointing out Specter was pissed Matt Walsh was never asked by the Commissioner about 2003, 2004, or 2005. WEEI's Michael Holley nailed this one before I even got my laptop open, so I'll use his line. "Theres a reason he didn't ask him about 2003 2004 or 2005. HE DIDN'T WORK THERE!"

As another WEEI mention, during the press conference there were calls to the station asking them if they were running one of their comedy bits. They thought it was a joke. Understandable. He sounded like a cross between Mister McGoo and Stan's grandfather in South Park that calls him "Billy".

He used the term "half back". What are we, running around in leather helmets with the goalposts in the front of the fucking endzone? Were you watching "the tapes" and wondering where Red Grange was? HALF BACK?

He responded to a question about why he wanted to continue dealing with Pittsburgh games after their head coach and owners of their franchise said it was over with "I have a different perspective than them". A stupid one! Pennsylvania, are you fucking kidding me? You've elected this guy for over 20 years? HE'S IN CHARGE OF STUFF THAT MATTERS!

I was legitimately disgusted watching this disgraceful press conference, but it has to be over now. He wants an "impartial investigation" to be put together, but as my faith in our government continues to decline, I still can't fathom this 200 year old idiot getting anyone to sign off on it. Theres questionable governmental spending, and then there's just outright giving the US citizens a big "fuck you".

This selective quotation, "fact" usage, and straight up intentional misrepresentation is deplorable. He calls Matt Walsh a credible witness, then when he says something that doesn't work into the agenda, he says he doesn't believe him. The most irrelevant, embarrassing, and utterly pointless press conference I've ever heard at any level.

Danica Like Totally Hit Someone or Whatever

Danica Patrick is part of a promotion currently running where you can win a chance to be in her pit crew for a race. Or forever, or ten laps, I forget. You get to be there at some point for some period of time.

But here's the kicker not mentioned in the giveaway... she runs you over.

Just ask current crew member of some other stupid indy car racer, Charles Buckman. Patrick smacked into Charles during a Friday practice at some dumb race track.

"Hahaha, she was probably doing her makeup" Buckman commented while being loaded into an ambulance with a concussion and lacerations to the head.

"I mean, I'm talking to Andretti's team then go to get something from the garage, and this text messaging bitch comes flying at me with her blinker on." Buckman said, shaking his head in disappointment.

"Honestly, when the fuck did car accidents become part of this sport? People just like seeing cars drive around, all our races are broadcast live on ESPN Deportes Estupidas. We don't need this to get ourselves briefly mentioned in the media. This is a very sad day."

"I was reaching down to put my hand on the brake thing or whatever, and I felt something hit the front of my car. I was like OH. MOI. GAWSH." Patrick explained, shaken by the event.

"I really hope he gets well soon so he can go back to picking cigarettes up off the ground or whatever little peasant job he has."

When asked what would be done about her damaged car, Patrick replied "I dunno, I think I'll trade it in for a REALLY cute pink VW Beetle or something".

Harrison : "I didn't shoot that guy that I had a fight with earlier today with that gun that's registered in my name"

Yup. That's the story. Marvin Harrison had nothing to do with the attempted shooting of the guy outside his bar (or at his car wash, as the Arizona Republic reports. Whoops!) in Philadelphia called Playmakers on Tuesday.

Sure, the gun in question was registered to Harrison.

Sure, Marvin has 25 guns registered under his name. (Not to be a pessimist, but I think repeating REGISTERED might be relevant here)

Sure, he had a fistfight with the victim of the incident earlier that day.

Sure, Harrison followed (or "escorted", if you prefer his to use his terminology) the victim out of the bar.

Sure, the gun was found at his car wash (yeah, he owns one. The AP above still fucked the story up) in a bucket, and it was at that car wash the police found him to question him.

"So where's anything linking this to him, motherfucker?" Colts GM and celebrated crybaby douche bag Bill Polian commented.

The rage in Polian's voice should not be confused with an admission of Harrison's guilt, as Polian is perpetually an angry, angry man. Did you ever see that commercial for that NFL.com web browser game with the cartoon guy wearing the football helmet with horns jumping up and down and screaming? That's pretty much Bill Polian.

A phone call by Polian was left on an answering machine at the local police station, which my moles leaked to me.

"Yeah, you're gonna find a gun in a bucket there. I think you'll discover Bill Belichick's fingerprints are all over it" the message proclaimed.

Unfortunately for Polian, winking and waving a stack of $100's as a bribe don't transfer very well over a phone line.

The injuries to the victim have been varied but are not serious, with nothing more than a nick on the shoulder or injury to the hand being reported by anyone reputable (or me). Harrison has yet to be charged with involvement in the incident, and there is little indicating he will be.

Roger Stole The Cookies From The Cookie Jar

It would appear walking into any bar in Boston and watching college girls battle for the rights to mount him didn't open enough doors for a 28 year old Roger Clemens.

Roger, a 28 year old father of two at the time, reportedly had a relationship with yet-to-be country music star Mindy McCready. Who cares? Nobody, if not for the fact she was fifteen at the time.

Clemens lawyer, Rusty Hardin (ha!) claims it was not a sexual relationship, though conceding the two did know each other.

"What? Don't look at me like that. 28 year old men often have platonic relationships with high school girls, I mean, why else would they hang out with them? To fuck 'em?" Hardin said as reporters nodded as if to say "well, yeah".

"Just one? Dude doesn't know how to party, where are the other two? Wheres the ecstasy? For Chrissake, no jacuzzi?" Former Packers tight end Mark Chmura commented.

Clemens has seen his star fall quickly, going from the stuff of legend to a punchline quicker than Nomar Garciaparra.

"Perjury. Steroid use. Jailbait enthusiast. Well fuck, might as well get it all out there at this point. I think anime is totally awesome." Clemens said in resignation.

McCready has not been on exactly a roll of late either. After being accused of prescription fraud in 2004, Mindy has had several reports of getting in fights with her mother and others. Multiple times, pictures have made their way to the internet with cuts, scratches and bruises littering her face.

"Look at her. She fucking looks like a blocked punt. Why would I hit that? Plus, she was in a karaoke bar, why would she tell me she was fifteen? I mean, erhm, why would a fifteen year old be at a bar?" Clemens continued.

No charges or legal action are likely or even plausible against Clemens concerning the case. But man, the court of public opinion is going to come down hard, after they start laughing.

Fat Roethlisberger Hates Ben

Surely, I was not the only one watching the NFL Draft this weekend who saw Chad Henne and said "that guy looks like Ben Roethlisberger on a diet of cheeseburgers". Seriously, look at him. He's Roethlisberger with a bigger head. Physically, not mentally. Nobody has an ego as overinflated as Ben.

I decided to talk with Chad and bring this up. The segue into the question was perfect, as I instinctively punched him in the face when meeting him then apologized "sorry, I thought you were Ben Roethlisberger".

"I know. I saw that guy get drafted by Pittsburgh, and was like, fuck. You look just like me, please don't be an overrated piece of shit."

Unfortunately for Chad, that's exactly what happened.

"God I hate that guy. He's all like, look at me, I'm Chad Henne with a less pronounced jaw, watch Chris Collinsworth gag on my cock because I can hand a football to somebody 50 times a game. What a son of a bitch." Henne ranted, becoming increasingly angry.

My contributions to the conversation became very small, as not only would Chad not stop to let me speak, but I was busy cheering him on as he continued to slam Handoffberger.

"I'm going to take the Miami Dolphins, show them a couple highlight videos so they understand what sport they're supposed to be playing, then I'm going to shove it up Roethlisbergers ass. Uh, the football, I mean. You'll cut that line out, right?"

I nodded as Henne left to go meet some of his new teammates. It is unknown if Miami even plays Pittsburgh this year, as I don't care enough to look.

Lakers Lose, Kobe "I'm Awesome"

The Lakers lost to the lowly Grizzlies last night, but Kobe Bryant is saying what we all think. Who cares? Kobe put up 53, he was fantastic. Wins and losses in the regular season aren't relevant, just ask my Patriots (.... ow, I made myself feel sad).

"Dude, who follows the Lakers? I was 4 points short of beating those Wisconsin NCAA cheese head mother fuckers by myself" Kobe said with a smile. And he's right, had Kobe taken that team on by himself, he surely would have kept it that close.

"Nono, wait. I could take that team. I ALMOST outscored them against a PROFESSIONAL team. Davidson ain't got shit on my 39 for 125 stat lines." Kobe responded to my musings. Apparantly the thought of not beating a NCAA top team by himself was repulsive.

The pride of URI, Lamar Odom, missed a crucial 3 point shot in the final minute off a pass by Bryant.

"Well, mistake one, passin dude the ball. Mistake two, passin anyone the ball." Bryant said, refusing to put a "the" before "dude" in his comment despite my objections.

The Lakers will face Washington as their next opponent on Sunday.

Oakland Raiders Improve To 33rd Best Team In NFL

Amongst an offseason of power moves such as signing Jevon Walker to a 37 year, 890 million dollar contract, signing a defensive lineman to a huge deal to reward him for tearing his ACL last season, and Al Davis forcing JeMarcus Russell to eat entire cheesecakes at gunpoint, the Raiders are ready to pull the trigger on another big move.

DeAngelo Hall for the Raiders 2nd round draft pick. Why?

"Fuck you, that's why" Al Davis responded. Despite a healthy track record of stupid roster and salary cap decisions, 2008 has really stood out for the Raiders. Even drafting a quarterback #1 overall that has bust written all over him pales in comparison.

Though not official yet, the deal would land the Raiders a relatively talented corner yet to prove himself in exchange for a draft pick virutally guranteed to have the same potential.

"Well, Al was on the phone with the Falcons, and he got really pissed off when they told him Vick wasn't available. Hall pretty much came up as a response to Al's classic 'well, what else ya got?' manuver." Coach Lane Kiffen said.

"Honestly, I could really give a fuck about it, I give it about six games this season before I just walk out" the coach said about the transaction.

Kaz Matsui Misses 4-5 Games For Anal Fissure (no, really)

You can find the story anywhere, it's legitimate. Here's a half assed example quoting it.

http://corner.bigblueinteractive.com/index.php?mode=2&thread=280982

"Anal Fissures, I thought we all had one. AHHH WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA" I said while writing this sentence. Well, before writing it, I suppose.

Skier Wins Some Stupid Thing

There will be celebration in the streets of Crans-Montana, Switzerland (yes, Montana is in Switzerland. You didn't know that?) for the next few days.

Skier Lindsey Vonn won her 10th career World Cup downhill today. Apparantly. She is now the United States record holder for most titles. Or fastest time. Or some other shit, maybe she's just really hot.

"I can't believe I finally did it. Nobody thought I could accomplish this, mainly because theres nobody here." Vonn said, motioning to the crowd.

"I love Lindsey, I've been following her for years. My favorite part is finding the one other spectator at the event and standing right next to them. Creeps them the fuck out." commented Vonn superfan Miley Cyrus, wearing a t-shirt with a face-punchingly lame quote.

"You're not VONNA believe it.... get it? Because her last name is Vonn and she's.... wait a minute, what's my appeal again?"

Vonn will next compete in the Disney 2nd Annual Tower Of Terror Downhill Classic. The first one was a real mess, let me tell you.

Steelers Sign Roethlisberger for Magical Spaceship Made of Money

The Pittsburgh Steelers have recently agreed to an 8 year deal with Ben Handoffberger. As a coaching staff that truly knows how to appreciate the ability to hold the ball out for another player to take it, this move came as little suprise.

"Your team is up 4 points with 2 minutes remaining. It's first and 10, and Ben Roethlisberger isn't on your team. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE THE BALL TO PARKER?" Coach Mike Tomlin said in a line eerily reminiscent of the old NRA slogan.

In an attempt to pay the greatest athlete in the history of organized sports what he deserves while keeping him away from motorcycles at the same time, the Steelers came up with a unique solution.

"It's a spaceship made of money. The "magical" part is something of a myth." Tomlin admitted.

Though nobody expected the Steelers to let Handoffberger enter free agency, the length of the deal came as something of a suprise, especially with a spaceship and a guaranteed 36 million up front.

"We all lived through Tommy Maddox up here. Ben is good for morale, because even though his arm pretty much sucks, he's a big dude. If nothing else, we have the one upgrade of him LOOKING like a football player. I'm looking forward to our 45-0 season next year, this is the first team I've seen with a shot to win both the AFC and NFC championship games before the Super Bowl" commented Jerome Bettis, proudly showing his neutrality.


"In fact, on behalf of the Steelers I issue an open challenge in Honolulu this upcoming season. The Steelers vs. a hand picked team of AFC and NFC AllStars. It'll be like that movie Nowhere, Alaska. That movie is so fucking awesome" Bettis continued.

The Steelers have given little indication on their plans for the rest of the free agency period.

RedSox Post Late Rally to Edge Out Boston College

The first split squad spring training games against helpless college kids in Fort Myers. This is where heroes are born, where stories of legend are written. This is what days and days of casually hitting BP and going to the weight room have all been for.

Goosebumps.

The RedSox were locked up in a tight one with Boston College today on the diamond, and time was running out. With the RedSox coming up to bat, the team exploded for 8 runs to break a 0-0 tie in the 2nd inning, just in the nick of time.

The RedSox would limp to the finish line and just get past the Eagles after tacking on a few critical insurance runs and winning 24-0.

Things weren't looking good when the Eagles made the MLB underdogs pay in the 5th inning with a hit off reliever Javy Lopez. Thankfully, the team manned up and slammed the door shut, limiting the vicious offense 1 total base in the game off the single.

The RedSox showed good plate discipline facing a BC pitching staff infamous for their mastery of the strike zone, amassing 15 walks.

"This was a great and fun experience. Surely I won't spend tonight crying in the shower due to something that has scarred me for life" Eagles pitcher Steven Cadoret said after the game. Cadoret pitched two thirds of an inning, giving up eight runs (6 ER) off five hits and five walks. He posted a modest ERA of 81.00 for the performance.

"Wow, that guy sucks." former RedSox pitcher Eric Gagne said of the stat line.

Another group of RedSox players will take on Northeastern in a few hours.

"I think we have a good shot" Northeastern left fielder Phay Kname said optomistically.

Ciaccio On Sox Spring Training : "Me Drive Car"

WEEI.com decided to take Steve "Chach" Ciaccio, a producer for WEEI and their morning show, on the road with them to Fort Myers to blog the events going on at RedSox Spring Training. The result they're getting is a guy with no business using a keyboard basically describing everything he sees. My fake spin is not needed here, these are some direct lines from the blog, showing Ciaccio's mastery of both the english language and captivating an audience.

Don't believe me? Check it out here. http://weei.com/pages/1681386.php?

We move the City of Palms Park tomorrow (see photos).

Morley Safer of 60 minutes is in town. He showed up about 10 this morning. Apparently he is interviewing Francona and others for an upcoming 60 minutes piece. He is shorter than expected.

As the entire media waits for the overweight addition of one Bartolo Colon. <<-- note the period, this is the complete sentence.

Also got another chance to get blown, or is it blowed Emmitt, off by Schilling.

I'll check back later today, gotta get in line for Hannah Montana 3D tonight

Pretty cool outdoor bar, once again never happen in Boston, not enough space, and it isn't 80 during pregame!

As I try to gain approval of the Big show. <<-- again, period. End of sentence.

Back to Celeb Don't forget the lyrics as they are trying to figure out a Michael Jackson tune, Wanna Be Startin' Something. Admit it you flicked it on! We'll give you some Baseball stuff tomorrow.

The final one is my favorite, nothing says "RedSox Spring Training blog" like coverage of Don't Forget The Lyrics. More to come, I'm sure, stay tuned to the link above to find out what he had for breakfast.

Bartolo Calzone Eats Plane Ticket

It would appear the RedSox have agreed to a preliminary agreement with former Cy Young winner Bartolo Colon in a low risk, potential high reward deal. Colon still needs to pass a physical that will likely be the kiss of death on the deal.

Bartolo's enthusiasm for taking a physical is understandably not very high, in fact, so low that he missed his plane flight last night. Or did he?

"It's being reported wrong, Bartolo didn't miss his plane to Fort Myers. He was more than ready to hop on board and sit down in a row of seats, but we had a last minute change of heart." RedSox Manager Terry Francona said.

"The real problem wasn't getting him to fly to Fort Myers, it was our concern that he wouldn't FIT in Fort Myers." Francona continued.

General Manager Theo Epstein elaborated on Francona's comments. "Terry's right, but lets take it one step further. Nothing short of divine intervention would have got him to even fit inside the plane to begin with. We don't have accomodations ready for somebody that fat..... and we've had David Wells."

RedSox closer Jonathan Papelbon was thrilled to hear of the delay, not yet done setting up his welcoming prank for Colon at the workout facilities.

"I found this gag pitching mound we're installing. It has this fuckin sensor thing in it so when his fat ass steps on the rubber it makes a grunting noise and yells 'who parked the equipment truck on me?' " Papelbon explained while working his way through a 30 rack of Coors Light.

Papelbon continued to explain his master plan. "I'm hoping to get C.C Sabathia down here to pitch a simulated game against Colon, think about it. That pitching mound is going to be flat after about two innings. What does C.C stand for anyway? Chocolate cake? Clams casino?"

In order to break Papelbons train of thought, a CD of the Dropkick Murphy's was hastily thrown into a nearby player. Reporters left Fort Myers quietly as Papelbon burst into dance and tore his pants off to reveal a kilt he apparantly never leaves home without for such occasions.

Zach Thomas Drools On Paper In Dallas

It would appear from early leaked reports linebacker Zach Thomas, formerly of the Dolphins, has agreed to a deal with the Dallas Cowboys today.

Thomas, once a monster of the gridiron putting up 20 tackle games with regularity, has been slowed down from age. Also slowing him down are multiple concussions and shots off the head, such as the one from a car accident that landed him on injured reserve last year.

"Mmmf scrmf, hng." Thomas told our reporters while flapping his arms wildly.

Thomas continued he was excited about inking an apparant 1 year, $3 million dollar deal with the Cowboys. He then became frustrated trying to open a carton of milk.

"Parcells tuna. That funny." Thomas said with a glimmer in his eyes before hurling a toy firetruck across the room. Nobody present was comfortable asking the gentle giant if he was referring to Parcells letting him go in Miami, or if he was still under the impression Parcells coached in Dallas.

Many, including myself, thought Thomas would have been a great fit in the Patriots rotation of once great middle linebackers. This would bring into question just how low the Patriots offer that was given to Thomas was.

"Five bucks." Coach Bill Belichick said. "I didn't even want him. I mean, look at him, he's fucking retarded. If he lands face first on the bottom of a pile, he'll probably suffocate because he can't figure out how to get up."

The Patriots coach continued about Thomas. "I was just hoping offering him a contract would make Specter and the rest of you Spygate turds change the subject for a God damn minute. I mean, seriously. Shut the fuck up."

"HYAAAAAH, DAT BOY GONNA GIT EM GOOD" proclaimed Cowboys coach Wade Phillips on the signing (or possibly something completely unrelated). After some awkward silence, no further comments were requested.

Swinging For The Barbed Wire Fences

The King of Artificial Swing is in shape to play baseball, Barry Bonds agent Jeff Borris says.

While waiting to see what comes to life from perjury and obstruction of justice charges, Bonds has tuned himself up and done everything but "face live pitching" at this point.

"We've heard good things about the prisons in Florida, but Barry seems to really have his heart set on playing for the Metropolitan Correctional Center in San Diego", Borris told reporters.

Bonds is still teamless after the Giants allowed him to walk last year. Teams such as Oakland have flirted with the idea of signing him, but the muffin-head mutant remains a free agent.

"Nigga, you crazy" stated Oakland Athletics General Manager Billy Beane when asked about his interest in signing Bonds.

Bonds' agent has rationalized no logical Prison League team would not want him on their roster, pointing out nearly all baseball fields in the PL circuit are smaller than the ones Bonds smashed home runs out of in the Majors.

"I mean, think about it. The fence is generally going to be about 100 feet closer, and Barry is going to be bugged out of his mind off White Lightning. Put a bat with some pop behind him for protection, and 80 home runs is not out of the question."

No Prison League managers were available for comment on the issue.

Jerome Mathis Can't Wait Three Months

Could somebody take a minute out of their day and tell NFL players to stop trying to kill things when the cleats are off?

Jerome Mathis, borderline NFL player and kick returner for the Texans, decided his six months pregnant wife needed a good choking on Friday. Mathis, amassing a career stat line consisting of 80 more receiving yards than mine, could reportedly face up to a year in jail.

"I was actually trying to put my fingers in her nose, but my depth perception is really bad so I missed" said Mathis of the incident. He referenced several of his kick returns as evidence of the claim.

Stricken with grief after committing the act, Mathis left the house. He came back the following Sunday, and the selfish bitch had him arrested.

"Coach Kubiak never puts me in on defense, so I don't get to hit nothin durin the season. It's frustrating, " Mathis continued.

"That preggo belly had her looking like Vince Willfork, I just got the instinct to light that motherfucker up"

Mathis has a previous misdemeanor due to his pitbull "being aggressive", which is one of the few accurately reported things in this blog. Which is odd, because it looks like a line the racist guy at your office would come over and write in while you were away from the computer.