Most people wouldn't consider having more errors than RBI's at the halfway point of the season a good thing. In fact, Julio Lugo and Theo Epstein are probably the only two that would.
That is the case for RedSox shortstop (or shortstopsnothing, HAI FIVE) Julio Lugo.
"What the fuck do you want from me? I stink. I never said I didn't." was Lugo's most recent reaction to comments from the crowd and media about his performance.
Lugo was brought to Boston for his offense, a move that nobody could understand when it was made. To say that we as spectators still don't understand it would be an understatement.
"Well, he's got about as much range as a three toed sloth, and about as much power as a Happy Meal wind-up toy. But hey, his average isn't bad, and he can steal some bases." General Manager Theo Epstein said in, uh, defense.
Granted, Lugo's batting average is .274, not bad. However, what this stat omits is the only thing he can hit is a single, even with his speed that can stretch decently hit balls into extra bases. Lugo's slugging percentage is a pathetic .347.
At the halfway point in the season, Lugo has one more home run than I do. He has 18 RBI's, with 19 errors. He is on a pace to record 38 botched plays at shortstop, and that's only the ones that are official.
Lugo recorded 22 errors in 2001, 20 in 2003, 25 in 2004 and 24 in 2005. This is not an off year, this is Julio Lugo.
Though the chances of Lugo being traded away before the deadline this year are essentially zero, look for him to be moved at the end of the season.
"Pittsburgh has a nice milkcrate with brooms mounted to the sides of it. They even put a paper plate with a smiley face on the top, it looks pretty cool. That's probably where we're leaning in the offseason" Epstein commented.
Further comments on the situation could not be extracted from Epstein, as he feels leaking further information on the intent to trade Lugo would lower his trade value.
"What mothafuckin trade value?" Lugo responded, because he was there at the press conference. Which, by the way, totally happened.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Celtics Win Title, Ric Flair Enraged
Oh it's true. It's damn true. Phil Jackson and his Zen Buddhist bullshit were no match for the green guys last night. The Celtics clubbed the Lakers like a seal off the coast of Russia.
"Tell the white chicks in LA to watch their back, Kobe is going to be looking for a non-consentual grudge fuck" Celtics coach Doc Rivers commented after the game.
"Jack Nicholson can add two things to his Bucket List now, sit down and shut up. Mmm hmm, even if Mars Attacks you'll still be seeing us taking out his beloved Lakers on ESPN all day. The Lakers could have used A Few Good Men last night. They should change their name to The Departed. Also, Chinatown." Paul Pierce said with a smile.
"MAAAAAAAH" Lakers douchebag Pau Gasol said after the game, probably because he's a llama. Fuckin look at him. Google Images a llama, then Pau Gasol.
"They played too rough. I think I got a splinter in my vagina" Sasha Vujacic said in the locker room after the game. Immediately after, he went flying across the locker room and landed in a heap because a reporter walking by brushed up against him.
"MOTHER SHITTER! Now I got to come out of retirement, being the sixteen time World Champion just doesn't sound impressive anymore" wrestling legend Ric Flair said while looking for something resembling a turnbuckle to throw himself off of.
The Celtics victory parade will have no scheduled stop points, it's just going to roll on through parts of the city. If you want the route, go check out their website, what am I, a fuckin tour guide?
"Tell the white chicks in LA to watch their back, Kobe is going to be looking for a non-consentual grudge fuck" Celtics coach Doc Rivers commented after the game.
"Jack Nicholson can add two things to his Bucket List now, sit down and shut up. Mmm hmm, even if Mars Attacks you'll still be seeing us taking out his beloved Lakers on ESPN all day. The Lakers could have used A Few Good Men last night. They should change their name to The Departed. Also, Chinatown." Paul Pierce said with a smile.
"MAAAAAAAH" Lakers douchebag Pau Gasol said after the game, probably because he's a llama. Fuckin look at him. Google Images a llama, then Pau Gasol.
"They played too rough. I think I got a splinter in my vagina" Sasha Vujacic said in the locker room after the game. Immediately after, he went flying across the locker room and landed in a heap because a reporter walking by brushed up against him.
"MOTHER SHITTER! Now I got to come out of retirement, being the sixteen time World Champion just doesn't sound impressive anymore" wrestling legend Ric Flair said while looking for something resembling a turnbuckle to throw himself off of.
The Celtics victory parade will have no scheduled stop points, it's just going to roll on through parts of the city. If you want the route, go check out their website, what am I, a fuckin tour guide?
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
You Know What That Stuff Does To Ya? Huh?
As I and everyone else with a brain predicted, the hilarity of Roger Clemens being humiliated in the media is not over.
The latest chapter? Roger used Viagra for "on field performance". Other than knowing it's funny, what does that mean? I consulted the source in an interview I totally didn't make up.
SHT: Roger, thanks for coming to this place we are both at and about to have a conversation in.
Rogaaah: No problem. I'm a big fan of your blog nobody reads with a title you stole from a web browser game.
SHT: So, simple question. Viagra. Why?
Rogaaah: I think it's pretty obvious. You can throw inside on hitters more, you can even hit them more. They look down and see that shit all rock hard and they're not going to charge the mound. Ever.
SHT: ..... oh. That's kinda funny and probably the best joke I can put in this interview because it is completely legit.
Rogaaah: Except for Piazza, it wouldn't stop him, if you catch my drift. That's why I had to hit him in the head, I'm not one of them queerosexuals.
SHT: That one was slightly better than the last one. Kthxbai!
Rogaaah: Lol k bai
The end result of this story will be an extention of the attack on Roger's character, nothing more. It's funny, but it's not criminal.
The latest chapter? Roger used Viagra for "on field performance". Other than knowing it's funny, what does that mean? I consulted the source in an interview I totally didn't make up.
SHT: Roger, thanks for coming to this place we are both at and about to have a conversation in.
Rogaaah: No problem. I'm a big fan of your blog nobody reads with a title you stole from a web browser game.
SHT: So, simple question. Viagra. Why?
Rogaaah: I think it's pretty obvious. You can throw inside on hitters more, you can even hit them more. They look down and see that shit all rock hard and they're not going to charge the mound. Ever.
SHT: ..... oh. That's kinda funny and probably the best joke I can put in this interview because it is completely legit.
Rogaaah: Except for Piazza, it wouldn't stop him, if you catch my drift. That's why I had to hit him in the head, I'm not one of them queerosexuals.
SHT: That one was slightly better than the last one. Kthxbai!
Rogaaah: Lol k bai
The end result of this story will be an extention of the attack on Roger's character, nothing more. It's funny, but it's not criminal.
Friday, June 6, 2008
Reach Out And Punch Face
Something must have been in the water at Fenway Park last night. The battle between the top two teams of the AL East dissolved back into what Boston/Tampa Bay baseball is supposed to be. The RedSox kicked their ass on the scoreboard, and the two teams beat the shit out of each other. Very nostalgic.
Coco Crisp was stonewalled sliding face first into second base two nights ago by shortstop Jason Bartlett's leg in front of the bag. Crisp showed his sincere appreciation later in the game in a takeout slide at second that he sold the fuck out of. Cleats pointing up at a 45 degree angle, complete body sliding past the bag, the whole thing. It was like when Stone Cold gave The Rock a stunner and Rocky flipped on his head across the ring. Simply doing it was not acceptable, it had to be over the top.
"I think I popped his sack, they were pissed. I knew I was going to get hit the next game." Crisp said.
"Then first at bat fuckin milk toast hits me with a pitch, I start to first to make the catcher fuck off, then next thing you know I'm at the mound duckin that weak shit he was bringing" he continued.
A punch that Crisp was lucky to duck, or he'd be having reconstructive surgery on his eye socket right now. That punch was coming in hard, he would have been down.
"Fuckin might as well have been hit by that, I got mugged by 25 other mother fuckers anyway. Crawford pounding on my head, I haven't been at the bottom of a pile of that many guys since that night when............ nothing." were Crisp's final awkward comments on the matter.
"I was about to approach those rapscallions and challenge them to a bout of fisticuffs" teammate J.D. Drew stated on the issue.
"I have evaded the temptation of shaving for a couple of days to show my fellow batters and hurlers that I have lightened up a little." Drew continued while searching in his locker for some Dapper Dan.
Manny Ramierez and Kevin Youkilis had a brief scuffle in the clubhouse as well, Manny needing to be restrained. Surely Kevin said something that made Manny mad awfully fast.
"Nah man, I saw Coco and Crawford and all those guys during that brawl and thought it was part of the game. I was like, ok, we're punching each other today." Manny said about the issue.
Though entertaining, this wasn't a good time for the RedSox to start a riot. With Ortiz possibly out for the rest of the reason and Manny settling into a DH slot he loves, the outfield cannot afford a Coco Crisp suspension (which is coming).
Even worse, Native American superhero Jacoby Ellsbury landed on his wrist in a bad way last night, with early moles leaking to the media he has left his full examination in a full cast. The extent of the injury is unknown, this paragraph will have an update when the official word comes out (not that anyone's fucking reading this anyway) Teh Updatez : It's all good. He'll miss a couple days, but it's a strain at the worst.
Coco Crisp was stonewalled sliding face first into second base two nights ago by shortstop Jason Bartlett's leg in front of the bag. Crisp showed his sincere appreciation later in the game in a takeout slide at second that he sold the fuck out of. Cleats pointing up at a 45 degree angle, complete body sliding past the bag, the whole thing. It was like when Stone Cold gave The Rock a stunner and Rocky flipped on his head across the ring. Simply doing it was not acceptable, it had to be over the top.
"I think I popped his sack, they were pissed. I knew I was going to get hit the next game." Crisp said.
"Then first at bat fuckin milk toast hits me with a pitch, I start to first to make the catcher fuck off, then next thing you know I'm at the mound duckin that weak shit he was bringing" he continued.
A punch that Crisp was lucky to duck, or he'd be having reconstructive surgery on his eye socket right now. That punch was coming in hard, he would have been down.
"Fuckin might as well have been hit by that, I got mugged by 25 other mother fuckers anyway. Crawford pounding on my head, I haven't been at the bottom of a pile of that many guys since that night when............ nothing." were Crisp's final awkward comments on the matter.
"I was about to approach those rapscallions and challenge them to a bout of fisticuffs" teammate J.D. Drew stated on the issue.
"I have evaded the temptation of shaving for a couple of days to show my fellow batters and hurlers that I have lightened up a little." Drew continued while searching in his locker for some Dapper Dan.
Manny Ramierez and Kevin Youkilis had a brief scuffle in the clubhouse as well, Manny needing to be restrained. Surely Kevin said something that made Manny mad awfully fast.
"Nah man, I saw Coco and Crawford and all those guys during that brawl and thought it was part of the game. I was like, ok, we're punching each other today." Manny said about the issue.
Though entertaining, this wasn't a good time for the RedSox to start a riot. With Ortiz possibly out for the rest of the reason and Manny settling into a DH slot he loves, the outfield cannot afford a Coco Crisp suspension (which is coming).
Even worse, Native American superhero Jacoby Ellsbury landed on his wrist in a bad way last night, with early moles leaking to the media he has left his full examination in a full cast. The extent of the injury is unknown, this paragraph will have an update when the official word comes out (not that anyone's fucking reading this anyway) Teh Updatez : It's all good. He'll miss a couple days, but it's a strain at the worst.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
Posts
