Jerome Mathis Can't Wait Three Months

Could somebody take a minute out of their day and tell NFL players to stop trying to kill things when the cleats are off?

Jerome Mathis, borderline NFL player and kick returner for the Texans, decided his six months pregnant wife needed a good choking on Friday. Mathis, amassing a career stat line consisting of 80 more receiving yards than mine, could reportedly face up to a year in jail.

"I was actually trying to put my fingers in her nose, but my depth perception is really bad so I missed" said Mathis of the incident. He referenced several of his kick returns as evidence of the claim.

Stricken with grief after committing the act, Mathis left the house. He came back the following Sunday, and the selfish bitch had him arrested.

"Coach Kubiak never puts me in on defense, so I don't get to hit nothin durin the season. It's frustrating, " Mathis continued.

"That preggo belly had her looking like Vince Willfork, I just got the instinct to light that motherfucker up"

Mathis has a previous misdemeanor due to his pitbull "being aggressive", which is one of the few accurately reported things in this blog. Which is odd, because it looks like a line the racist guy at your office would come over and write in while you were away from the computer.