Bartolo Calzone Eats Plane Ticket

It would appear the RedSox have agreed to a preliminary agreement with former Cy Young winner Bartolo Colon in a low risk, potential high reward deal. Colon still needs to pass a physical that will likely be the kiss of death on the deal.

Bartolo's enthusiasm for taking a physical is understandably not very high, in fact, so low that he missed his plane flight last night. Or did he?

"It's being reported wrong, Bartolo didn't miss his plane to Fort Myers. He was more than ready to hop on board and sit down in a row of seats, but we had a last minute change of heart." RedSox Manager Terry Francona said.

"The real problem wasn't getting him to fly to Fort Myers, it was our concern that he wouldn't FIT in Fort Myers." Francona continued.

General Manager Theo Epstein elaborated on Francona's comments. "Terry's right, but lets take it one step further. Nothing short of divine intervention would have got him to even fit inside the plane to begin with. We don't have accomodations ready for somebody that fat..... and we've had David Wells."

RedSox closer Jonathan Papelbon was thrilled to hear of the delay, not yet done setting up his welcoming prank for Colon at the workout facilities.

"I found this gag pitching mound we're installing. It has this fuckin sensor thing in it so when his fat ass steps on the rubber it makes a grunting noise and yells 'who parked the equipment truck on me?' " Papelbon explained while working his way through a 30 rack of Coors Light.

Papelbon continued to explain his master plan. "I'm hoping to get C.C Sabathia down here to pitch a simulated game against Colon, think about it. That pitching mound is going to be flat after about two innings. What does C.C stand for anyway? Chocolate cake? Clams casino?"

In order to break Papelbons train of thought, a CD of the Dropkick Murphy's was hastily thrown into a nearby player. Reporters left Fort Myers quietly as Papelbon burst into dance and tore his pants off to reveal a kilt he apparantly never leaves home without for such occasions.