Who Says Soccer Is Boring?

I do. Everyone does. But hey, this story deserves some mention. That’s some wild and wacky stuff right thurr.

The New England Revolution, my local MLS team (apparently), had a very interesting flight today. En route to some stupid place to continue competition in Super Liga 2008, some shit where they suspend the MLS season for the top US clubs to battle Mexico’s finest, the Revolution, as well as the rest of the passengers (it’s fucking soccer, they don’t have their own plane, ok?) were forced to make an emergency landing in Oklahoma City.

The reason? A man, name not released and reportedly 22 years of age, decided halfway through the flight it would be fun to go to the bathroom, take all his clothes off, and come out.

“I was the first to notice him. I turned to Craig Tornberg, our general manager, and said LOOK AT THE COCK ON THAT ONE!” director Mike Burns said.

The man was talked into returning to the bathroom and putting his clothes on without physical confrontation, but after returning to his seat attempted to open the emergency door shortly therafter. This didn’t go over so well.

“Airplane? Open door? Nah. Fuck that shit.” Commented goalkeeper coach Gwynne Williams.

The rest of the team seemed to agree. The man in question was subdued and bound with tie wraps after his failed attempt to open the door.

“I don’t know if he was drinking, on pills or whatever, but dude’s got a fuckin screw loose. I mean, you don’t take your clothes off and run around on an airplane. You do that at Denny’s.” said a passenger who requested their name not be released. His name is Ian Stevens, go kick his ass.

The FBI and local officials were waiting for the questionable character in Oklahoma City. No reports have been released on what repercussions he will face, but in todays world, one would assume the penalties will be severe. If you’re going to fuck around, an airplane is pretty much the last place you want to do it in this country. People get pissed.

“FRANK AND BEANS” was the only decipherable quote uttered by the instigator.

.... She Couldn't Have

Ok, this one will be a little different than the usual theme here, so bear with me readers. Who am I kidding, reader. Nah, actually I have a few. I would even run out of fingers counting them.

I was watching that Wimbeldon Final yesterday, or South African Cricket match, whatever the hell it was. Jesus. With the delays I think it took close to eight hours. Stay tuned, coming up after this, the ABV... APV.. AV... the beach volley ball league thing Colorado tournament.

"Is it guys?"

"No, it's girls"

"Oh, ok, sweet"

Hell. I'm dicking around on the laptop, the tv is background for me. Might as well leave chicks in bikinis on. Team one is Misty May and her partner..... hold on Googling... Kerri Walsh. There ya go. They're actually dominant in their sport, it's just very few people give a fuck. Team two is.... alright, really. I'm not Googling that, nobody cares. The darker of the two on the team had some nice features. Shut the fuck up, how is that racist?

Camera starts behind May and Walsh. Nice. Those uniforms walking forward in slo-mo look great from behind. Facial and frontal features? .... Egh. Not so great. Anyway, I'm wasting your time, heres the point of this post.

Misty May is being quickly interviewed after the first set and asked about why they struggled so much to capture the match point. Or something like that. She was asked about having difficulty with something.

Don't have Tivo. But I was for a moment paying attention when this happened, and I'm 99% sure Misty May's response was...... wait for it....

"I don't know, we just got back from overseas and I think the ball hangs up there a little longer here".

Yup.

Somebody who rips and clips off their Tivo and posts on YouTube, first of all, naughty naughty, second of all, find this and put it up. I need this verified. That's a once in a lifetime line.

No, No, They're Yelling "Luuuuuuuuuuug"

Most people wouldn't consider having more errors than RBI's at the halfway point of the season a good thing. In fact, Julio Lugo and Theo Epstein are probably the only two that would.

That is the case for RedSox shortstop (or shortstopsnothing, HAI FIVE) Julio Lugo.

"What the fuck do you want from me? I stink. I never said I didn't." was Lugo's most recent reaction to comments from the crowd and media about his performance.

Lugo was brought to Boston for his offense, a move that nobody could understand when it was made. To say that we as spectators still don't understand it would be an understatement.

"Well, he's got about as much range as a three toed sloth, and about as much power as a Happy Meal wind-up toy. But hey, his average isn't bad, and he can steal some bases." General Manager Theo Epstein said in, uh, defense.

Granted, Lugo's batting average is .274, not bad. However, what this stat omits is the only thing he can hit is a single, even with his speed that can stretch decently hit balls into extra bases. Lugo's slugging percentage is a pathetic .347.

At the halfway point in the season, Lugo has one more home run than I do. He has 18 RBI's, with 19 errors. He is on a pace to record 38 botched plays at shortstop, and that's only the ones that are official.

Lugo recorded 22 errors in 2001, 20 in 2003, 25 in 2004 and 24 in 2005. This is not an off year, this is Julio Lugo.

Though the chances of Lugo being traded away before the deadline this year are essentially zero, look for him to be moved at the end of the season.

"Pittsburgh has a nice milkcrate with brooms mounted to the sides of it. They even put a paper plate with a smiley face on the top, it looks pretty cool. That's probably where we're leaning in the offseason" Epstein commented.

Further comments on the situation could not be extracted from Epstein, as he feels leaking further information on the intent to trade Lugo would lower his trade value.

"What mothafuckin trade value?" Lugo responded, because he was there at the press conference. Which, by the way, totally happened.

Celtics Win Title, Ric Flair Enraged

Oh it's true. It's damn true. Phil Jackson and his Zen Buddhist bullshit were no match for the green guys last night. The Celtics clubbed the Lakers like a seal off the coast of Russia.

"Tell the white chicks in LA to watch their back, Kobe is going to be looking for a non-consentual grudge fuck" Celtics coach Doc Rivers commented after the game.

"Jack Nicholson can add two things to his Bucket List now, sit down and shut up. Mmm hmm, even if Mars Attacks you'll still be seeing us taking out his beloved Lakers on ESPN all day. The Lakers could have used A Few Good Men last night. They should change their name to The Departed. Also, Chinatown." Paul Pierce said with a smile.

"MAAAAAAAH" Lakers douchebag Pau Gasol said after the game, probably because he's a llama. Fuckin look at him. Google Images a llama, then Pau Gasol.

"They played too rough. I think I got a splinter in my vagina" Sasha Vujacic said in the locker room after the game. Immediately after, he went flying across the locker room and landed in a heap because a reporter walking by brushed up against him.

"MOTHER SHITTER! Now I got to come out of retirement, being the sixteen time World Champion just doesn't sound impressive anymore" wrestling legend Ric Flair said while looking for something resembling a turnbuckle to throw himself off of.

The Celtics victory parade will have no scheduled stop points, it's just going to roll on through parts of the city. If you want the route, go check out their website, what am I, a fuckin tour guide?

You Know What That Stuff Does To Ya? Huh?

As I and everyone else with a brain predicted, the hilarity of Roger Clemens being humiliated in the media is not over.

The latest chapter? Roger used Viagra for "on field performance". Other than knowing it's funny, what does that mean? I consulted the source in an interview I totally didn't make up.

SHT: Roger, thanks for coming to this place we are both at and about to have a conversation in.

Rogaaah: No problem. I'm a big fan of your blog nobody reads with a title you stole from a web browser game.

SHT: So, simple question. Viagra. Why?

Rogaaah: I think it's pretty obvious. You can throw inside on hitters more, you can even hit them more. They look down and see that shit all rock hard and they're not going to charge the mound. Ever.

SHT: ..... oh. That's kinda funny and probably the best joke I can put in this interview because it is completely legit.

Rogaaah: Except for Piazza, it wouldn't stop him, if you catch my drift. That's why I had to hit him in the head, I'm not one of them queerosexuals.

SHT: That one was slightly better than the last one. Kthxbai!

Rogaaah: Lol k bai

The end result of this story will be an extention of the attack on Roger's character, nothing more. It's funny, but it's not criminal.

Reach Out And Punch Face

Something must have been in the water at Fenway Park last night. The battle between the top two teams of the AL East dissolved back into what Boston/Tampa Bay baseball is supposed to be. The RedSox kicked their ass on the scoreboard, and the two teams beat the shit out of each other. Very nostalgic.

Coco Crisp was stonewalled sliding face first into second base two nights ago by shortstop Jason Bartlett's leg in front of the bag. Crisp showed his sincere appreciation later in the game in a takeout slide at second that he sold the fuck out of. Cleats pointing up at a 45 degree angle, complete body sliding past the bag, the whole thing. It was like when Stone Cold gave The Rock a stunner and Rocky flipped on his head across the ring. Simply doing it was not acceptable, it had to be over the top.

"I think I popped his sack, they were pissed. I knew I was going to get hit the next game." Crisp said.

"Then first at bat fuckin milk toast hits me with a pitch, I start to first to make the catcher fuck off, then next thing you know I'm at the mound duckin that weak shit he was bringing" he continued.

A punch that Crisp was lucky to duck, or he'd be having reconstructive surgery on his eye socket right now. That punch was coming in hard, he would have been down.

"Fuckin might as well have been hit by that, I got mugged by 25 other mother fuckers anyway. Crawford pounding on my head, I haven't been at the bottom of a pile of that many guys since that night when............ nothing." were Crisp's final awkward comments on the matter.

"I was about to approach those rapscallions and challenge them to a bout of fisticuffs" teammate J.D. Drew stated on the issue.

"I have evaded the temptation of shaving for a couple of days to show my fellow batters and hurlers that I have lightened up a little." Drew continued while searching in his locker for some Dapper Dan.

Manny Ramierez and Kevin Youkilis had a brief scuffle in the clubhouse as well, Manny needing to be restrained. Surely Kevin said something that made Manny mad awfully fast.

"Nah man, I saw Coco and Crawford and all those guys during that brawl and thought it was part of the game. I was like, ok, we're punching each other today." Manny said about the issue.

Though entertaining, this wasn't a good time for the RedSox to start a riot. With Ortiz possibly out for the rest of the reason and Manny settling into a DH slot he loves, the outfield cannot afford a Coco Crisp suspension (which is coming).

Even worse, Native American superhero Jacoby Ellsbury landed on his wrist in a bad way last night, with early moles leaking to the media he has left his full examination in a full cast. The extent of the injury is unknown, this paragraph will have an update when the official word comes out (not that anyone's fucking reading this anyway) Teh Updatez : It's all good. He'll miss a couple days, but it's a strain at the worst.

ESPN Breaking News : Punching Yourself in the Balls Hurts

ESPN, a once respected company that is now a caricature of itself, has really taken it to a new level this afternoon. ESPN News announces Joey Porter talking about the Patriots not only as a story relevant enough to report, but BREAKING NEWS.

"Hibbidy hibbidy blah blah blah, I dun need mah two rings. Why nobody like me?" Porter said.

Porter referred to the penalties placed on the Patriots as a $500,000 fine (WRONG), and nothing else. Apparantly the draft pick wasn't significant. But I digress. He went on to talk about how the Patriots cheated him out of Super Bowls.

"They stole our secret field goal signal, that's how they blocked it." Porter continued.

"That punt return for a touchdown by Troy Brown? They stole our punt coverage signal. You know, the one that told us to tackle the guy with the ball. They had that shit so they told Troy, and so he was all like, now I know they're going to try to tackle me, I have a huge advantage now! I was just going to stand there and watch the ball hit me in the fucking face."

"Anyway, those 14 points they got directly off special teams are proof that they used our offensive signals against us. Yup. They should lose dem Super Bowls. They need an asterisk next to all their seasons. Give's me dat ring, mofo biatch."

ESPN News went so far as to actually have Patriot Wes Welker on to respond to Porter's comments.

"They should have an asterisk next to your last season too, because you should have been 0-16, you God damn stiff. The last big hit you recorded was off a fucking crack pipe." Welker responded.

"Honestly, why the fuck am I here? Do you really have nothing better to do? Are you so irrelevant and inept at uncovering any stories in sports that you still have to keep going on this? For fucks sake, make a show called Female Yoga in Spandex. Run it four hours a day. Your ratings will be through the roof. I'm jerking off right now thinking about it."

"And what the fuck is with Stuart Scott? One of his eyes looks at the camera, the other one is looking at a snack machine in the hallway. He's an irritating little dweeb with a lazy eye, so you say, 'lets put him in front of a camera'. That's brilliant."

The interview ended shortly thereafter for ESPN News to jump over to another breaking news story they uncovered, the headline reading "BREAKING NEWS: Hockey goalies wear pads because slapshots hurt".