Roger Stole The Cookies From The Cookie Jar

It would appear walking into any bar in Boston and watching college girls battle for the rights to mount him didn't open enough doors for a 28 year old Roger Clemens.

Roger, a 28 year old father of two at the time, reportedly had a relationship with yet-to-be country music star Mindy McCready. Who cares? Nobody, if not for the fact she was fifteen at the time.

Clemens lawyer, Rusty Hardin (ha!) claims it was not a sexual relationship, though conceding the two did know each other.

"What? Don't look at me like that. 28 year old men often have platonic relationships with high school girls, I mean, why else would they hang out with them? To fuck 'em?" Hardin said as reporters nodded as if to say "well, yeah".

"Just one? Dude doesn't know how to party, where are the other two? Wheres the ecstasy? For Chrissake, no jacuzzi?" Former Packers tight end Mark Chmura commented.

Clemens has seen his star fall quickly, going from the stuff of legend to a punchline quicker than Nomar Garciaparra.

"Perjury. Steroid use. Jailbait enthusiast. Well fuck, might as well get it all out there at this point. I think anime is totally awesome." Clemens said in resignation.

McCready has not been on exactly a roll of late either. After being accused of prescription fraud in 2004, Mindy has had several reports of getting in fights with her mother and others. Multiple times, pictures have made their way to the internet with cuts, scratches and bruises littering her face.

"Look at her. She fucking looks like a blocked punt. Why would I hit that? Plus, she was in a karaoke bar, why would she tell me she was fifteen? I mean, erhm, why would a fifteen year old be at a bar?" Clemens continued.

No charges or legal action are likely or even plausible against Clemens concerning the case. But man, the court of public opinion is going to come down hard, after they start laughing.

Fat Roethlisberger Hates Ben

Surely, I was not the only one watching the NFL Draft this weekend who saw Chad Henne and said "that guy looks like Ben Roethlisberger on a diet of cheeseburgers". Seriously, look at him. He's Roethlisberger with a bigger head. Physically, not mentally. Nobody has an ego as overinflated as Ben.

I decided to talk with Chad and bring this up. The segue into the question was perfect, as I instinctively punched him in the face when meeting him then apologized "sorry, I thought you were Ben Roethlisberger".

"I know. I saw that guy get drafted by Pittsburgh, and was like, fuck. You look just like me, please don't be an overrated piece of shit."

Unfortunately for Chad, that's exactly what happened.

"God I hate that guy. He's all like, look at me, I'm Chad Henne with a less pronounced jaw, watch Chris Collinsworth gag on my cock because I can hand a football to somebody 50 times a game. What a son of a bitch." Henne ranted, becoming increasingly angry.

My contributions to the conversation became very small, as not only would Chad not stop to let me speak, but I was busy cheering him on as he continued to slam Handoffberger.

"I'm going to take the Miami Dolphins, show them a couple highlight videos so they understand what sport they're supposed to be playing, then I'm going to shove it up Roethlisbergers ass. Uh, the football, I mean. You'll cut that line out, right?"

I nodded as Henne left to go meet some of his new teammates. It is unknown if Miami even plays Pittsburgh this year, as I don't care enough to look.