ESPN Breaking News : Punching Yourself in the Balls Hurts

ESPN, a once respected company that is now a caricature of itself, has really taken it to a new level this afternoon. ESPN News announces Joey Porter talking about the Patriots not only as a story relevant enough to report, but BREAKING NEWS.

"Hibbidy hibbidy blah blah blah, I dun need mah two rings. Why nobody like me?" Porter said.

Porter referred to the penalties placed on the Patriots as a $500,000 fine (WRONG), and nothing else. Apparantly the draft pick wasn't significant. But I digress. He went on to talk about how the Patriots cheated him out of Super Bowls.

"They stole our secret field goal signal, that's how they blocked it." Porter continued.

"That punt return for a touchdown by Troy Brown? They stole our punt coverage signal. You know, the one that told us to tackle the guy with the ball. They had that shit so they told Troy, and so he was all like, now I know they're going to try to tackle me, I have a huge advantage now! I was just going to stand there and watch the ball hit me in the fucking face."

"Anyway, those 14 points they got directly off special teams are proof that they used our offensive signals against us. Yup. They should lose dem Super Bowls. They need an asterisk next to all their seasons. Give's me dat ring, mofo biatch."

ESPN News went so far as to actually have Patriot Wes Welker on to respond to Porter's comments.

"They should have an asterisk next to your last season too, because you should have been 0-16, you God damn stiff. The last big hit you recorded was off a fucking crack pipe." Welker responded.

"Honestly, why the fuck am I here? Do you really have nothing better to do? Are you so irrelevant and inept at uncovering any stories in sports that you still have to keep going on this? For fucks sake, make a show called Female Yoga in Spandex. Run it four hours a day. Your ratings will be through the roof. I'm jerking off right now thinking about it."

"And what the fuck is with Stuart Scott? One of his eyes looks at the camera, the other one is looking at a snack machine in the hallway. He's an irritating little dweeb with a lazy eye, so you say, 'lets put him in front of a camera'. That's brilliant."

The interview ended shortly thereafter for ESPN News to jump over to another breaking news story they uncovered, the headline reading "BREAKING NEWS: Hockey goalies wear pads because slapshots hurt".