ESPN Breaking News : Punching Yourself in the Balls Hurts

ESPN, a once respected company that is now a caricature of itself, has really taken it to a new level this afternoon. ESPN News announces Joey Porter talking about the Patriots not only as a story relevant enough to report, but BREAKING NEWS.

"Hibbidy hibbidy blah blah blah, I dun need mah two rings. Why nobody like me?" Porter said.

Porter referred to the penalties placed on the Patriots as a $500,000 fine (WRONG), and nothing else. Apparantly the draft pick wasn't significant. But I digress. He went on to talk about how the Patriots cheated him out of Super Bowls.

"They stole our secret field goal signal, that's how they blocked it." Porter continued.

"That punt return for a touchdown by Troy Brown? They stole our punt coverage signal. You know, the one that told us to tackle the guy with the ball. They had that shit so they told Troy, and so he was all like, now I know they're going to try to tackle me, I have a huge advantage now! I was just going to stand there and watch the ball hit me in the fucking face."

"Anyway, those 14 points they got directly off special teams are proof that they used our offensive signals against us. Yup. They should lose dem Super Bowls. They need an asterisk next to all their seasons. Give's me dat ring, mofo biatch."

ESPN News went so far as to actually have Patriot Wes Welker on to respond to Porter's comments.

"They should have an asterisk next to your last season too, because you should have been 0-16, you God damn stiff. The last big hit you recorded was off a fucking crack pipe." Welker responded.

"Honestly, why the fuck am I here? Do you really have nothing better to do? Are you so irrelevant and inept at uncovering any stories in sports that you still have to keep going on this? For fucks sake, make a show called Female Yoga in Spandex. Run it four hours a day. Your ratings will be through the roof. I'm jerking off right now thinking about it."

"And what the fuck is with Stuart Scott? One of his eyes looks at the camera, the other one is looking at a snack machine in the hallway. He's an irritating little dweeb with a lazy eye, so you say, 'lets put him in front of a camera'. That's brilliant."

The interview ended shortly thereafter for ESPN News to jump over to another breaking news story they uncovered, the headline reading "BREAKING NEWS: Hockey goalies wear pads because slapshots hurt".

RedSox to Fans : "Shut Up and Guzzle Your Watered Down Budweiser"

Oh, it's true. As they have done many times over previous years, the RedSox opened the doors at Fenway tonight for a game they were well aware was never going to be played.

Why? Simple. RedSox fans show up. You can hold them captive in an area they have nothing better to do than buy hotdogs and $7.50 beers in a fraudulent rain delay for three hours, then send them off to be somebody elses problem.

"Oh, the sucking fans dry for money thing. Let me guess, you have some joke about me being a Jew lined up just for this occasion" General Manager Theo Epstein said.

"What? You guys are stupid. We jack up the ticket prices every year, you still show up. We put Julio Lugo at shortstop, you show up. We have Eric Gagne pitch, you don't run out of the park screaming in horror. Why stop now?" Principal owner John Henry commented on the situation.

Henry continued without being provoked.

"We knew we weren't playing tonight. We knew the past 20 rainouts we weren't playing. But we tell you we will. Then we throw the tarp down, and you all go 'well what should we do?' then we make a killing on the beer stations, the Coke stations, and selling you Fenway Franks and giant pretzels,. It's a God damn business. We're here to make money."

"What do you think pays for Manny's locker full of blunt wraps and beef jerky? You dweebs do. Show of hands, who here has a left fielder that high fives people in the crowd while an inning is still active and there are baserunners. Anyone else? No? Ok. And hell, daddy has to buy his multi-million dollar mansions to rip down and build new houses on because he likes the area." (Editor's Note: The "house part" of this.... he actually did that. Well, the Manny high fiving a fan during an inning, that happened too actually.)

Though it is use of shady tactics, nobody can argue the success. The seats get packed, and they buy shit because they're bored. Frustrating, absolutely. Smart? Probably.

"I'm so upset. The Brewers were here, I had seats right behind the opposing bullpen, and Gagne would be right in my sights. It was hard enough sneaking this Uzi in once, now I got to do it again? Fuck, man." RedSox fan and garbage can scrubber Joey B. O'Doughnuts commented about the evening.

"I wanted to cheer for Gabe-y! Kapler's back, and he's so hot! Six foot something, 188 pounds, and his cock could probably blend in at the Kentucky Derby!" Pink hat wearing Suzie Smith said in outrage, a passionate fan of the RedSox since Game 4 of the 2004 World Series.

The RedSox have not announced a replay date for the game, or if they did I don't care enough to look. Actually, they probably did, but that could take.... minutes. Go look and tell me.

A double header in the next two days is likely.

Arlen Specter is Embarrassing

As a brief break from the "HAY U GUISE I'M A REPORTER LOL" format I've been going with , this one has to come from the heart. I just heard Arlen Specter just wheeze on himself and contradict every previous sentence he said for about a half hour, and Jesus H. Christ.

Lets start by pointing out Specter was pissed Matt Walsh was never asked by the Commissioner about 2003, 2004, or 2005. WEEI's Michael Holley nailed this one before I even got my laptop open, so I'll use his line. "Theres a reason he didn't ask him about 2003 2004 or 2005. HE DIDN'T WORK THERE!"

As another WEEI mention, during the press conference there were calls to the station asking them if they were running one of their comedy bits. They thought it was a joke. Understandable. He sounded like a cross between Mister McGoo and Stan's grandfather in South Park that calls him "Billy".

He used the term "half back". What are we, running around in leather helmets with the goalposts in the front of the fucking endzone? Were you watching "the tapes" and wondering where Red Grange was? HALF BACK?

He responded to a question about why he wanted to continue dealing with Pittsburgh games after their head coach and owners of their franchise said it was over with "I have a different perspective than them". A stupid one! Pennsylvania, are you fucking kidding me? You've elected this guy for over 20 years? HE'S IN CHARGE OF STUFF THAT MATTERS!

I was legitimately disgusted watching this disgraceful press conference, but it has to be over now. He wants an "impartial investigation" to be put together, but as my faith in our government continues to decline, I still can't fathom this 200 year old idiot getting anyone to sign off on it. Theres questionable governmental spending, and then there's just outright giving the US citizens a big "fuck you".

This selective quotation, "fact" usage, and straight up intentional misrepresentation is deplorable. He calls Matt Walsh a credible witness, then when he says something that doesn't work into the agenda, he says he doesn't believe him. The most irrelevant, embarrassing, and utterly pointless press conference I've ever heard at any level.

Danica Like Totally Hit Someone or Whatever

Danica Patrick is part of a promotion currently running where you can win a chance to be in her pit crew for a race. Or forever, or ten laps, I forget. You get to be there at some point for some period of time.

But here's the kicker not mentioned in the giveaway... she runs you over.

Just ask current crew member of some other stupid indy car racer, Charles Buckman. Patrick smacked into Charles during a Friday practice at some dumb race track.

"Hahaha, she was probably doing her makeup" Buckman commented while being loaded into an ambulance with a concussion and lacerations to the head.

"I mean, I'm talking to Andretti's team then go to get something from the garage, and this text messaging bitch comes flying at me with her blinker on." Buckman said, shaking his head in disappointment.

"Honestly, when the fuck did car accidents become part of this sport? People just like seeing cars drive around, all our races are broadcast live on ESPN Deportes Estupidas. We don't need this to get ourselves briefly mentioned in the media. This is a very sad day."

"I was reaching down to put my hand on the brake thing or whatever, and I felt something hit the front of my car. I was like OH. MOI. GAWSH." Patrick explained, shaken by the event.

"I really hope he gets well soon so he can go back to picking cigarettes up off the ground or whatever little peasant job he has."

When asked what would be done about her damaged car, Patrick replied "I dunno, I think I'll trade it in for a REALLY cute pink VW Beetle or something".

Harrison : "I didn't shoot that guy that I had a fight with earlier today with that gun that's registered in my name"

Yup. That's the story. Marvin Harrison had nothing to do with the attempted shooting of the guy outside his bar (or at his car wash, as the Arizona Republic reports. Whoops!) in Philadelphia called Playmakers on Tuesday.

Sure, the gun in question was registered to Harrison.

Sure, Marvin has 25 guns registered under his name. (Not to be a pessimist, but I think repeating REGISTERED might be relevant here)

Sure, he had a fistfight with the victim of the incident earlier that day.

Sure, Harrison followed (or "escorted", if you prefer his to use his terminology) the victim out of the bar.

Sure, the gun was found at his car wash (yeah, he owns one. The AP above still fucked the story up) in a bucket, and it was at that car wash the police found him to question him.

"So where's anything linking this to him, motherfucker?" Colts GM and celebrated crybaby douche bag Bill Polian commented.

The rage in Polian's voice should not be confused with an admission of Harrison's guilt, as Polian is perpetually an angry, angry man. Did you ever see that commercial for that NFL.com web browser game with the cartoon guy wearing the football helmet with horns jumping up and down and screaming? That's pretty much Bill Polian.

A phone call by Polian was left on an answering machine at the local police station, which my moles leaked to me.

"Yeah, you're gonna find a gun in a bucket there. I think you'll discover Bill Belichick's fingerprints are all over it" the message proclaimed.

Unfortunately for Polian, winking and waving a stack of $100's as a bribe don't transfer very well over a phone line.

The injuries to the victim have been varied but are not serious, with nothing more than a nick on the shoulder or injury to the hand being reported by anyone reputable (or me). Harrison has yet to be charged with involvement in the incident, and there is little indicating he will be.