It would appear walking into any bar in Boston and watching college girls battle for the rights to mount him didn't open enough doors for a 28 year old Roger Clemens.
Roger, a 28 year old father of two at the time, reportedly had a relationship with yet-to-be country music star Mindy McCready. Who cares? Nobody, if not for the fact she was fifteen at the time.
Clemens lawyer, Rusty Hardin (ha!) claims it was not a sexual relationship, though conceding the two did know each other.
"What? Don't look at me like that. 28 year old men often have platonic relationships with high school girls, I mean, why else would they hang out with them? To fuck 'em?" Hardin said as reporters nodded as if to say "well, yeah".
"Just one? Dude doesn't know how to party, where are the other two? Wheres the ecstasy? For Chrissake, no jacuzzi?" Former Packers tight end Mark Chmura commented.
Clemens has seen his star fall quickly, going from the stuff of legend to a punchline quicker than Nomar Garciaparra.
"Perjury. Steroid use. Jailbait enthusiast. Well fuck, might as well get it all out there at this point. I think anime is totally awesome." Clemens said in resignation.
McCready has not been on exactly a roll of late either. After being accused of prescription fraud in 2004, Mindy has had several reports of getting in fights with her mother and others. Multiple times, pictures have made their way to the internet with cuts, scratches and bruises littering her face.
"Look at her. She fucking looks like a blocked punt. Why would I hit that? Plus, she was in a karaoke bar, why would she tell me she was fifteen? I mean, erhm, why would a fifteen year old be at a bar?" Clemens continued.
No charges or legal action are likely or even plausible against Clemens concerning the case. But man, the court of public opinion is going to come down hard, after they start laughing.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Fat Roethlisberger Hates Ben
Surely, I was not the only one watching the NFL Draft this weekend who saw Chad Henne and said "that guy looks like Ben Roethlisberger on a diet of cheeseburgers". Seriously, look at him. He's Roethlisberger with a bigger head. Physically, not mentally. Nobody has an ego as overinflated as Ben.
I decided to talk with Chad and bring this up. The segue into the question was perfect, as I instinctively punched him in the face when meeting him then apologized "sorry, I thought you were Ben Roethlisberger".
"I know. I saw that guy get drafted by Pittsburgh, and was like, fuck. You look just like me, please don't be an overrated piece of shit."
Unfortunately for Chad, that's exactly what happened.
"God I hate that guy. He's all like, look at me, I'm Chad Henne with a less pronounced jaw, watch Chris Collinsworth gag on my cock because I can hand a football to somebody 50 times a game. What a son of a bitch." Henne ranted, becoming increasingly angry.
My contributions to the conversation became very small, as not only would Chad not stop to let me speak, but I was busy cheering him on as he continued to slam Handoffberger.
"I'm going to take the Miami Dolphins, show them a couple highlight videos so they understand what sport they're supposed to be playing, then I'm going to shove it up Roethlisbergers ass. Uh, the football, I mean. You'll cut that line out, right?"
I nodded as Henne left to go meet some of his new teammates. It is unknown if Miami even plays Pittsburgh this year, as I don't care enough to look.
I decided to talk with Chad and bring this up. The segue into the question was perfect, as I instinctively punched him in the face when meeting him then apologized "sorry, I thought you were Ben Roethlisberger".
"I know. I saw that guy get drafted by Pittsburgh, and was like, fuck. You look just like me, please don't be an overrated piece of shit."
Unfortunately for Chad, that's exactly what happened.
"God I hate that guy. He's all like, look at me, I'm Chad Henne with a less pronounced jaw, watch Chris Collinsworth gag on my cock because I can hand a football to somebody 50 times a game. What a son of a bitch." Henne ranted, becoming increasingly angry.
My contributions to the conversation became very small, as not only would Chad not stop to let me speak, but I was busy cheering him on as he continued to slam Handoffberger.
"I'm going to take the Miami Dolphins, show them a couple highlight videos so they understand what sport they're supposed to be playing, then I'm going to shove it up Roethlisbergers ass. Uh, the football, I mean. You'll cut that line out, right?"
I nodded as Henne left to go meet some of his new teammates. It is unknown if Miami even plays Pittsburgh this year, as I don't care enough to look.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Lakers Lose, Kobe "I'm Awesome"
The Lakers lost to the lowly Grizzlies last night, but Kobe Bryant is saying what we all think. Who cares? Kobe put up 53, he was fantastic. Wins and losses in the regular season aren't relevant, just ask my Patriots (.... ow, I made myself feel sad).
"Dude, who follows the Lakers? I was 4 points short of beating those Wisconsin NCAA cheese head mother fuckers by myself" Kobe said with a smile. And he's right, had Kobe taken that team on by himself, he surely would have kept it that close.
"Nono, wait. I could take that team. I ALMOST outscored them against a PROFESSIONAL team. Davidson ain't got shit on my 39 for 125 stat lines." Kobe responded to my musings. Apparantly the thought of not beating a NCAA top team by himself was repulsive.
The pride of URI, Lamar Odom, missed a crucial 3 point shot in the final minute off a pass by Bryant.
"Well, mistake one, passin dude the ball. Mistake two, passin anyone the ball." Bryant said, refusing to put a "the" before "dude" in his comment despite my objections.
The Lakers will face Washington as their next opponent on Sunday.
"Dude, who follows the Lakers? I was 4 points short of beating those Wisconsin NCAA cheese head mother fuckers by myself" Kobe said with a smile. And he's right, had Kobe taken that team on by himself, he surely would have kept it that close.
"Nono, wait. I could take that team. I ALMOST outscored them against a PROFESSIONAL team. Davidson ain't got shit on my 39 for 125 stat lines." Kobe responded to my musings. Apparantly the thought of not beating a NCAA top team by himself was repulsive.
The pride of URI, Lamar Odom, missed a crucial 3 point shot in the final minute off a pass by Bryant.
"Well, mistake one, passin dude the ball. Mistake two, passin anyone the ball." Bryant said, refusing to put a "the" before "dude" in his comment despite my objections.
The Lakers will face Washington as their next opponent on Sunday.
Monday, March 17, 2008
Oakland Raiders Improve To 33rd Best Team In NFL
Amongst an offseason of power moves such as signing Jevon Walker to a 37 year, 890 million dollar contract, signing a defensive lineman to a huge deal to reward him for tearing his ACL last season, and Al Davis forcing JeMarcus Russell to eat entire cheesecakes at gunpoint, the Raiders are ready to pull the trigger on another big move.
DeAngelo Hall for the Raiders 2nd round draft pick. Why?
"Fuck you, that's why" Al Davis responded. Despite a healthy track record of stupid roster and salary cap decisions, 2008 has really stood out for the Raiders. Even drafting a quarterback #1 overall that has bust written all over him pales in comparison.
Though not official yet, the deal would land the Raiders a relatively talented corner yet to prove himself in exchange for a draft pick virutally guranteed to have the same potential.
"Well, Al was on the phone with the Falcons, and he got really pissed off when they told him Vick wasn't available. Hall pretty much came up as a response to Al's classic 'well, what else ya got?' manuver." Coach Lane Kiffen said.
"Honestly, I could really give a fuck about it, I give it about six games this season before I just walk out" the coach said about the transaction.
DeAngelo Hall for the Raiders 2nd round draft pick. Why?
"Fuck you, that's why" Al Davis responded. Despite a healthy track record of stupid roster and salary cap decisions, 2008 has really stood out for the Raiders. Even drafting a quarterback #1 overall that has bust written all over him pales in comparison.
Though not official yet, the deal would land the Raiders a relatively talented corner yet to prove himself in exchange for a draft pick virutally guranteed to have the same potential.
"Well, Al was on the phone with the Falcons, and he got really pissed off when they told him Vick wasn't available. Hall pretty much came up as a response to Al's classic 'well, what else ya got?' manuver." Coach Lane Kiffen said.
"Honestly, I could really give a fuck about it, I give it about six games this season before I just walk out" the coach said about the transaction.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Kaz Matsui Misses 4-5 Games For Anal Fissure (no, really)
You can find the story anywhere, it's legitimate. Here's a half assed example quoting it.
http://corner.bigblueinteractive.com/index.php?mode=2&thread=280982
"Anal Fissures, I thought we all had one. AHHH WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA" I said while writing this sentence. Well, before writing it, I suppose.
http://corner.bigblueinteractive.com/index.php?mode=2&thread=280982
"Anal Fissures, I thought we all had one. AHHH WAKKA WAKKA WAKKA" I said while writing this sentence. Well, before writing it, I suppose.
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Skier Wins Some Stupid Thing
There will be celebration in the streets of Crans-Montana, Switzerland (yes, Montana is in Switzerland. You didn't know that?) for the next few days.
Skier Lindsey Vonn won her 10th career World Cup downhill today. Apparantly. She is now the United States record holder for most titles. Or fastest time. Or some other shit, maybe she's just really hot.
"I can't believe I finally did it. Nobody thought I could accomplish this, mainly because theres nobody here." Vonn said, motioning to the crowd.
"I love Lindsey, I've been following her for years. My favorite part is finding the one other spectator at the event and standing right next to them. Creeps them the fuck out." commented Vonn superfan Miley Cyrus, wearing a t-shirt with a face-punchingly lame quote.
"You're not VONNA believe it.... get it? Because her last name is Vonn and she's.... wait a minute, what's my appeal again?"
Vonn will next compete in the Disney 2nd Annual Tower Of Terror Downhill Classic. The first one was a real mess, let me tell you.
Skier Lindsey Vonn won her 10th career World Cup downhill today. Apparantly. She is now the United States record holder for most titles. Or fastest time. Or some other shit, maybe she's just really hot.
"I can't believe I finally did it. Nobody thought I could accomplish this, mainly because theres nobody here." Vonn said, motioning to the crowd.
"I love Lindsey, I've been following her for years. My favorite part is finding the one other spectator at the event and standing right next to them. Creeps them the fuck out." commented Vonn superfan Miley Cyrus, wearing a t-shirt with a face-punchingly lame quote.
"You're not VONNA believe it.... get it? Because her last name is Vonn and she's.... wait a minute, what's my appeal again?"
Vonn will next compete in the Disney 2nd Annual Tower Of Terror Downhill Classic. The first one was a real mess, let me tell you.
Monday, March 3, 2008
Steelers Sign Roethlisberger for Magical Spaceship Made of Money
The Pittsburgh Steelers have recently agreed to an 8 year deal with Ben Handoffberger. As a coaching staff that truly knows how to appreciate the ability to hold the ball out for another player to take it, this move came as little suprise.
"Your team is up 4 points with 2 minutes remaining. It's first and 10, and Ben Roethlisberger isn't on your team. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE THE BALL TO PARKER?" Coach Mike Tomlin said in a line eerily reminiscent of the old NRA slogan.
In an attempt to pay the greatest athlete in the history of organized sports what he deserves while keeping him away from motorcycles at the same time, the Steelers came up with a unique solution.
"It's a spaceship made of money. The "magical" part is something of a myth." Tomlin admitted.
Though nobody expected the Steelers to let Handoffberger enter free agency, the length of the deal came as something of a suprise, especially with a spaceship and a guaranteed 36 million up front.
"We all lived through Tommy Maddox up here. Ben is good for morale, because even though his arm pretty much sucks, he's a big dude. If nothing else, we have the one upgrade of him LOOKING like a football player. I'm looking forward to our 45-0 season next year, this is the first team I've seen with a shot to win both the AFC and NFC championship games before the Super Bowl" commented Jerome Bettis, proudly showing his neutrality.
"In fact, on behalf of the Steelers I issue an open challenge in Honolulu this upcoming season. The Steelers vs. a hand picked team of AFC and NFC AllStars. It'll be like that movie Nowhere, Alaska. That movie is so fucking awesome" Bettis continued.
The Steelers have given little indication on their plans for the rest of the free agency period.
"Your team is up 4 points with 2 minutes remaining. It's first and 10, and Ben Roethlisberger isn't on your team. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE THE BALL TO PARKER?" Coach Mike Tomlin said in a line eerily reminiscent of the old NRA slogan.
In an attempt to pay the greatest athlete in the history of organized sports what he deserves while keeping him away from motorcycles at the same time, the Steelers came up with a unique solution.
"It's a spaceship made of money. The "magical" part is something of a myth." Tomlin admitted.
Though nobody expected the Steelers to let Handoffberger enter free agency, the length of the deal came as something of a suprise, especially with a spaceship and a guaranteed 36 million up front.
"We all lived through Tommy Maddox up here. Ben is good for morale, because even though his arm pretty much sucks, he's a big dude. If nothing else, we have the one upgrade of him LOOKING like a football player. I'm looking forward to our 45-0 season next year, this is the first team I've seen with a shot to win both the AFC and NFC championship games before the Super Bowl" commented Jerome Bettis, proudly showing his neutrality.
"In fact, on behalf of the Steelers I issue an open challenge in Honolulu this upcoming season. The Steelers vs. a hand picked team of AFC and NFC AllStars. It'll be like that movie Nowhere, Alaska. That movie is so fucking awesome" Bettis continued.
The Steelers have given little indication on their plans for the rest of the free agency period.
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