RedSox to Fans : "Shut Up and Guzzle Your Watered Down Budweiser"

Oh, it's true. As they have done many times over previous years, the RedSox opened the doors at Fenway tonight for a game they were well aware was never going to be played.

Why? Simple. RedSox fans show up. You can hold them captive in an area they have nothing better to do than buy hotdogs and $7.50 beers in a fraudulent rain delay for three hours, then send them off to be somebody elses problem.

"Oh, the sucking fans dry for money thing. Let me guess, you have some joke about me being a Jew lined up just for this occasion" General Manager Theo Epstein said.

"What? You guys are stupid. We jack up the ticket prices every year, you still show up. We put Julio Lugo at shortstop, you show up. We have Eric Gagne pitch, you don't run out of the park screaming in horror. Why stop now?" Principal owner John Henry commented on the situation.

Henry continued without being provoked.

"We knew we weren't playing tonight. We knew the past 20 rainouts we weren't playing. But we tell you we will. Then we throw the tarp down, and you all go 'well what should we do?' then we make a killing on the beer stations, the Coke stations, and selling you Fenway Franks and giant pretzels,. It's a God damn business. We're here to make money."

"What do you think pays for Manny's locker full of blunt wraps and beef jerky? You dweebs do. Show of hands, who here has a left fielder that high fives people in the crowd while an inning is still active and there are baserunners. Anyone else? No? Ok. And hell, daddy has to buy his multi-million dollar mansions to rip down and build new houses on because he likes the area." (Editor's Note: The "house part" of this.... he actually did that. Well, the Manny high fiving a fan during an inning, that happened too actually.)

Though it is use of shady tactics, nobody can argue the success. The seats get packed, and they buy shit because they're bored. Frustrating, absolutely. Smart? Probably.

"I'm so upset. The Brewers were here, I had seats right behind the opposing bullpen, and Gagne would be right in my sights. It was hard enough sneaking this Uzi in once, now I got to do it again? Fuck, man." RedSox fan and garbage can scrubber Joey B. O'Doughnuts commented about the evening.

"I wanted to cheer for Gabe-y! Kapler's back, and he's so hot! Six foot something, 188 pounds, and his cock could probably blend in at the Kentucky Derby!" Pink hat wearing Suzie Smith said in outrage, a passionate fan of the RedSox since Game 4 of the 2004 World Series.

The RedSox have not announced a replay date for the game, or if they did I don't care enough to look. Actually, they probably did, but that could take.... minutes. Go look and tell me.

A double header in the next two days is likely.

Arlen Specter is Embarrassing

As a brief break from the "HAY U GUISE I'M A REPORTER LOL" format I've been going with , this one has to come from the heart. I just heard Arlen Specter just wheeze on himself and contradict every previous sentence he said for about a half hour, and Jesus H. Christ.

Lets start by pointing out Specter was pissed Matt Walsh was never asked by the Commissioner about 2003, 2004, or 2005. WEEI's Michael Holley nailed this one before I even got my laptop open, so I'll use his line. "Theres a reason he didn't ask him about 2003 2004 or 2005. HE DIDN'T WORK THERE!"

As another WEEI mention, during the press conference there were calls to the station asking them if they were running one of their comedy bits. They thought it was a joke. Understandable. He sounded like a cross between Mister McGoo and Stan's grandfather in South Park that calls him "Billy".

He used the term "half back". What are we, running around in leather helmets with the goalposts in the front of the fucking endzone? Were you watching "the tapes" and wondering where Red Grange was? HALF BACK?

He responded to a question about why he wanted to continue dealing with Pittsburgh games after their head coach and owners of their franchise said it was over with "I have a different perspective than them". A stupid one! Pennsylvania, are you fucking kidding me? You've elected this guy for over 20 years? HE'S IN CHARGE OF STUFF THAT MATTERS!

I was legitimately disgusted watching this disgraceful press conference, but it has to be over now. He wants an "impartial investigation" to be put together, but as my faith in our government continues to decline, I still can't fathom this 200 year old idiot getting anyone to sign off on it. Theres questionable governmental spending, and then there's just outright giving the US citizens a big "fuck you".

This selective quotation, "fact" usage, and straight up intentional misrepresentation is deplorable. He calls Matt Walsh a credible witness, then when he says something that doesn't work into the agenda, he says he doesn't believe him. The most irrelevant, embarrassing, and utterly pointless press conference I've ever heard at any level.

Danica Like Totally Hit Someone or Whatever

Danica Patrick is part of a promotion currently running where you can win a chance to be in her pit crew for a race. Or forever, or ten laps, I forget. You get to be there at some point for some period of time.

But here's the kicker not mentioned in the giveaway... she runs you over.

Just ask current crew member of some other stupid indy car racer, Charles Buckman. Patrick smacked into Charles during a Friday practice at some dumb race track.

"Hahaha, she was probably doing her makeup" Buckman commented while being loaded into an ambulance with a concussion and lacerations to the head.

"I mean, I'm talking to Andretti's team then go to get something from the garage, and this text messaging bitch comes flying at me with her blinker on." Buckman said, shaking his head in disappointment.

"Honestly, when the fuck did car accidents become part of this sport? People just like seeing cars drive around, all our races are broadcast live on ESPN Deportes Estupidas. We don't need this to get ourselves briefly mentioned in the media. This is a very sad day."

"I was reaching down to put my hand on the brake thing or whatever, and I felt something hit the front of my car. I was like OH. MOI. GAWSH." Patrick explained, shaken by the event.

"I really hope he gets well soon so he can go back to picking cigarettes up off the ground or whatever little peasant job he has."

When asked what would be done about her damaged car, Patrick replied "I dunno, I think I'll trade it in for a REALLY cute pink VW Beetle or something".

Harrison : "I didn't shoot that guy that I had a fight with earlier today with that gun that's registered in my name"

Yup. That's the story. Marvin Harrison had nothing to do with the attempted shooting of the guy outside his bar (or at his car wash, as the Arizona Republic reports. Whoops!) in Philadelphia called Playmakers on Tuesday.

Sure, the gun in question was registered to Harrison.

Sure, Marvin has 25 guns registered under his name. (Not to be a pessimist, but I think repeating REGISTERED might be relevant here)

Sure, he had a fistfight with the victim of the incident earlier that day.

Sure, Harrison followed (or "escorted", if you prefer his to use his terminology) the victim out of the bar.

Sure, the gun was found at his car wash (yeah, he owns one. The AP above still fucked the story up) in a bucket, and it was at that car wash the police found him to question him.

"So where's anything linking this to him, motherfucker?" Colts GM and celebrated crybaby douche bag Bill Polian commented.

The rage in Polian's voice should not be confused with an admission of Harrison's guilt, as Polian is perpetually an angry, angry man. Did you ever see that commercial for that NFL.com web browser game with the cartoon guy wearing the football helmet with horns jumping up and down and screaming? That's pretty much Bill Polian.

A phone call by Polian was left on an answering machine at the local police station, which my moles leaked to me.

"Yeah, you're gonna find a gun in a bucket there. I think you'll discover Bill Belichick's fingerprints are all over it" the message proclaimed.

Unfortunately for Polian, winking and waving a stack of $100's as a bribe don't transfer very well over a phone line.

The injuries to the victim have been varied but are not serious, with nothing more than a nick on the shoulder or injury to the hand being reported by anyone reputable (or me). Harrison has yet to be charged with involvement in the incident, and there is little indicating he will be.

Roger Stole The Cookies From The Cookie Jar

It would appear walking into any bar in Boston and watching college girls battle for the rights to mount him didn't open enough doors for a 28 year old Roger Clemens.

Roger, a 28 year old father of two at the time, reportedly had a relationship with yet-to-be country music star Mindy McCready. Who cares? Nobody, if not for the fact she was fifteen at the time.

Clemens lawyer, Rusty Hardin (ha!) claims it was not a sexual relationship, though conceding the two did know each other.

"What? Don't look at me like that. 28 year old men often have platonic relationships with high school girls, I mean, why else would they hang out with them? To fuck 'em?" Hardin said as reporters nodded as if to say "well, yeah".

"Just one? Dude doesn't know how to party, where are the other two? Wheres the ecstasy? For Chrissake, no jacuzzi?" Former Packers tight end Mark Chmura commented.

Clemens has seen his star fall quickly, going from the stuff of legend to a punchline quicker than Nomar Garciaparra.

"Perjury. Steroid use. Jailbait enthusiast. Well fuck, might as well get it all out there at this point. I think anime is totally awesome." Clemens said in resignation.

McCready has not been on exactly a roll of late either. After being accused of prescription fraud in 2004, Mindy has had several reports of getting in fights with her mother and others. Multiple times, pictures have made their way to the internet with cuts, scratches and bruises littering her face.

"Look at her. She fucking looks like a blocked punt. Why would I hit that? Plus, she was in a karaoke bar, why would she tell me she was fifteen? I mean, erhm, why would a fifteen year old be at a bar?" Clemens continued.

No charges or legal action are likely or even plausible against Clemens concerning the case. But man, the court of public opinion is going to come down hard, after they start laughing.

Fat Roethlisberger Hates Ben

Surely, I was not the only one watching the NFL Draft this weekend who saw Chad Henne and said "that guy looks like Ben Roethlisberger on a diet of cheeseburgers". Seriously, look at him. He's Roethlisberger with a bigger head. Physically, not mentally. Nobody has an ego as overinflated as Ben.

I decided to talk with Chad and bring this up. The segue into the question was perfect, as I instinctively punched him in the face when meeting him then apologized "sorry, I thought you were Ben Roethlisberger".

"I know. I saw that guy get drafted by Pittsburgh, and was like, fuck. You look just like me, please don't be an overrated piece of shit."

Unfortunately for Chad, that's exactly what happened.

"God I hate that guy. He's all like, look at me, I'm Chad Henne with a less pronounced jaw, watch Chris Collinsworth gag on my cock because I can hand a football to somebody 50 times a game. What a son of a bitch." Henne ranted, becoming increasingly angry.

My contributions to the conversation became very small, as not only would Chad not stop to let me speak, but I was busy cheering him on as he continued to slam Handoffberger.

"I'm going to take the Miami Dolphins, show them a couple highlight videos so they understand what sport they're supposed to be playing, then I'm going to shove it up Roethlisbergers ass. Uh, the football, I mean. You'll cut that line out, right?"

I nodded as Henne left to go meet some of his new teammates. It is unknown if Miami even plays Pittsburgh this year, as I don't care enough to look.

Lakers Lose, Kobe "I'm Awesome"

The Lakers lost to the lowly Grizzlies last night, but Kobe Bryant is saying what we all think. Who cares? Kobe put up 53, he was fantastic. Wins and losses in the regular season aren't relevant, just ask my Patriots (.... ow, I made myself feel sad).

"Dude, who follows the Lakers? I was 4 points short of beating those Wisconsin NCAA cheese head mother fuckers by myself" Kobe said with a smile. And he's right, had Kobe taken that team on by himself, he surely would have kept it that close.

"Nono, wait. I could take that team. I ALMOST outscored them against a PROFESSIONAL team. Davidson ain't got shit on my 39 for 125 stat lines." Kobe responded to my musings. Apparantly the thought of not beating a NCAA top team by himself was repulsive.

The pride of URI, Lamar Odom, missed a crucial 3 point shot in the final minute off a pass by Bryant.

"Well, mistake one, passin dude the ball. Mistake two, passin anyone the ball." Bryant said, refusing to put a "the" before "dude" in his comment despite my objections.

The Lakers will face Washington as their next opponent on Sunday.