RedSox to Fans : "Shut Up and Guzzle Your Watered Down Budweiser"

Oh, it's true. As they have done many times over previous years, the RedSox opened the doors at Fenway tonight for a game they were well aware was never going to be played.

Why? Simple. RedSox fans show up. You can hold them captive in an area they have nothing better to do than buy hotdogs and $7.50 beers in a fraudulent rain delay for three hours, then send them off to be somebody elses problem.

"Oh, the sucking fans dry for money thing. Let me guess, you have some joke about me being a Jew lined up just for this occasion" General Manager Theo Epstein said.

"What? You guys are stupid. We jack up the ticket prices every year, you still show up. We put Julio Lugo at shortstop, you show up. We have Eric Gagne pitch, you don't run out of the park screaming in horror. Why stop now?" Principal owner John Henry commented on the situation.

Henry continued without being provoked.

"We knew we weren't playing tonight. We knew the past 20 rainouts we weren't playing. But we tell you we will. Then we throw the tarp down, and you all go 'well what should we do?' then we make a killing on the beer stations, the Coke stations, and selling you Fenway Franks and giant pretzels,. It's a God damn business. We're here to make money."

"What do you think pays for Manny's locker full of blunt wraps and beef jerky? You dweebs do. Show of hands, who here has a left fielder that high fives people in the crowd while an inning is still active and there are baserunners. Anyone else? No? Ok. And hell, daddy has to buy his multi-million dollar mansions to rip down and build new houses on because he likes the area." (Editor's Note: The "house part" of this.... he actually did that. Well, the Manny high fiving a fan during an inning, that happened too actually.)

Though it is use of shady tactics, nobody can argue the success. The seats get packed, and they buy shit because they're bored. Frustrating, absolutely. Smart? Probably.

"I'm so upset. The Brewers were here, I had seats right behind the opposing bullpen, and Gagne would be right in my sights. It was hard enough sneaking this Uzi in once, now I got to do it again? Fuck, man." RedSox fan and garbage can scrubber Joey B. O'Doughnuts commented about the evening.

"I wanted to cheer for Gabe-y! Kapler's back, and he's so hot! Six foot something, 188 pounds, and his cock could probably blend in at the Kentucky Derby!" Pink hat wearing Suzie Smith said in outrage, a passionate fan of the RedSox since Game 4 of the 2004 World Series.

The RedSox have not announced a replay date for the game, or if they did I don't care enough to look. Actually, they probably did, but that could take.... minutes. Go look and tell me.

A double header in the next two days is likely.